2001:October:10
2001
In the parlance of my university, "dude, I was all - who cares about fall break's measly two days off? I had never even heard of 'fall break' but now I'm like sooooo ready to chill for a couple of days".
In fact, I'm as slack as I could be right now - schoolwise. I'm pretty slack otherwise too. I'm sort of in a haze of helpless uncertainty, BUT unlike previous incarnations of this state, I'm much more "what can I do about it? So why worry". If things get awfully tight, I'll just have to get some extra job or beg my mother for money.
There were these two interesting looking (but not cute - just sort of "hip geek") guys standing outside of the science building when I exited class today. They were chatting and then all of the sudden one of their faces lit up a bit and said "there she is" and this plain jane girl was riding up on her bicycle smiling sheepishly saying "sorry I'm late". I inferred that they were grad students. Anyway, it made me think how much I adore my husbandino.
I really prefer science and tech-y guys to my previous run of artsy - literature majors. I find it so f-ing hard to DO things that it is soooo attractive when others get into technical, complicated projects. I find such work tedious to the n-th degree, but I seem to really enjoy other people who like to do it. I have tended to associate with fellow dreamers, readers, and various other whiny do-nothings (bless us). Mark's whole life is built around action and skill and acumen and doing things. While this was a major source of discontent for me early on (and I'm no saint now), I have come to shake my head while smiling at witnessing my husband's "obsessive tweaking and project creations and computer time and camera research".
I, myself, could honestly be content sitting on my ass thinking and talking and "expanding my consciousness". Once my level of comfort is achieved and I feel I'm in an aesthetically pleasing environment, all "doing" ceases and I just chill out. I "do" things in my head. Mark does tangible, real things. While I think he is a bit too busy doing "busywork", I do respect his unique gifts to our relationship. Without him, I would probably be either in a psycho ward (I often fantasized about being committed so I could stop the pretense of having to DO stuff: i.e. work at useless job for money to continue useless life) or being a miserable sustenance worker. He's much more willing to tackle money, budget, fixing things, etc. I only do things that otherwise would intrude on my aesthetically pleasing nothing: like put clutter away, pay bills, clean bathrooms, paint walls, etc.
Another way that my lover and I are vastly different (and I just am realizing this) is that he LOVES and is comforted by "window shopping". He feebs and researches this list of items that are in the top five of his "piggy list". For instance, his current things are a smaller video camera, a still digital camera, and a freezer/fridge package. He has been researching these items on the Internet, probably thinking about them every day, and trying to find the best price possible IF HE WERE IN THE POSITION TO BUY. He dreams and thinks about what he will buy once he's "back on top". He very much is materialistic (although not at all in the "keeping up with the jones' way"). When he has $3,000 extra dollars (and in a thriving film industry this isn't uncommon) and many jobs on the horizon, he will slot that $3,000 into purchasing a current item on his "piggy list".
I, on the other hand, have different problems with money. I wouldn't know what it was like to have an extra $3,000. To me, there is no such thing. I would only feel comfortable if I had an extra $10,000 in savings and no credit card debt (although since it's never happened, it's just hypothetical). My big, bad spending is that I used to charge $250 a year (and usually when I was tipsy) on J.Crew or Esprit clothing. I also enjoy going out to dinner (look at my arse), and I do this when I can not really afford it. I also spend an extra $40 or so at the grocery store on "splurge" items such as expensive olive oil or asparagus or seafood. However, I LOVED living in NYC and having tons of money after paying bills. I bought the MOST EXPENSIVE THING I've ever bought on NYC money: an $800 sofa (and I'm proud and LOVE it). I can't think of another girl in my circle who has less things than me (although I know you're out there). I love going into girl's bathrooms because they usually have these expensive soaps and shampoos and make-up and styling products and brushes. I once bought "kiss my face" soap, and it is the most expensive soap I've ever bought (outside of those golden days of consumerism when I lived with my parents, was 16, and had a job). Anyway, my point is not that I'm a paragon of thriftiness (although don't I sound like it) but that I HATE WITH A PASSION "window shopping". THERE IS NOTHING more frustrating for me than looking at things I may want but can't have. I would sooner talk about the weather than I would want to talk about our house renovation when Mark doesn't even have a job. While it is stressful and annoying for me, talking about his fantasy purchases COMFORTS Mark.
It's interesting to me though that someone can be so different than me, but be OK. It's also interesting (to me) how in times of "crisis" you really get to know the person you're joined with. I've only had to witness one other crisis like this before (where Mark didn't have a job and money was draining like a sieve), and it SUCKED. I did learn a lot about Mark, but I thought it was all negative and that I wouldn't have to deal with those manifestations again. Duh! What a "young married" I was. Here I am again in this situation, and I'm so much more OK and not feeling internally destroyed. I don't seem the most supportive person of Mark - as in I don't hold his hand and say everything is going to be OK - because I've learned that that is what I, myself, want. With Mark, I've learned that leaving him alone and letting him work it out while being a pleasant companion is the better way (at least I hope). I trust him this time around. He certainly doesn't need ME going "do you have any job prospects? Can you work for Lowe's". I feel that the most important thing in the world is that we are together and live in our cute lil' house (with electricity, plumbing, heat, and cable). Other than that, it can all fall away. (and even if we lose our houses and have to live with his mother, she's very nice).
What a great entry huh? Haven't you LOVED reading this?
