2001:December:10
2001
Here's one that's straight from the embarrassed heart.... I was cleaning the toilet or something and I had the most bizarre egocentric thought. It topped new highs in how I think of myself. I actually wondered on the ironic aspects of experimentation with reincarnation. I thought how funny it would be if the consciousness within me is mostly from this great thinker in previous lives who really buddha-ed it all out - perhaps a zen master. If anyone was able to watch, it might be quite humourous to see "the Great Hatari" floundering and flubbing as a 30 year old human in 21st century united states. What if all the things I think and say are actually products of lifetimes of accumulated learning - (and you must know that what I write here is not the breadth of everything I think - lest you think "OK What"). What if Mark has been a great monk as well? It's interesting to me, and something I've only recently given 1% of my thoughts to.
It's so incredibly hard to KNOW the meaning of life. It would seem analogous to the task ahead in determining if your faith is real (is their a religiously convicted person of any weight who hasn't wondered if all this is the result of cavemen trying to rationalize the origin of dreaming). I, myself, don't fret much with whether I've "gotten it" or "am on the right path" anymore. It's a recent thing however, and I'm not certain if I won't be wracked with the pain of imagined misunderstanding in forty five seconds. The only thing that concerns me anymore is if I am being true to myself and if I continue to question myself. How simple it would be to sanctimoniously think "well, I'm done. I've gotten a tremendous sense of peace from living in my home with my beloved. I've conquered being beset with frustrated rage at being financially challenged. I've understood that I have a controlling nature and a desire to be unique and to be on the right path. I've found that by being honest and probing that that satisfies me. My thirst is slaked. I'm just going to sit back and watch the pageantry unfold for the rest of you."
Even this bullshit can change with repeated viewings spaced out by time. Basically, I've just recently had my mind settle. It is quite fascinating to me to be able to isolate incidences that kicked this reaction into place over time. I can't imagine it would be fascinating to most anyone else - anymore than telling someone in a bad relationship that they are in one. I found the books I needed and got what I needed out of them because I was looking. I was sick. I wanted to understand the disease.
The fourth paragraph deals with the uncertainty of everything. I could be totally incorrect. I could have guessed wrong, and I could be a laughable douche of a person who does nothing but fool's work and says nothing but ridiculous shit.
But, you also realize don't you that I will never know. Right now I'm concentrating on many different, newbie things. I'm all into turning 30. I'm into having my life's career semi-decided. I'm into being content. These things are all new to me. They are what I'm currently into. I'm also interested in taking away materialism from american pysches. I'm interested in investigating whether a person's manifestations all originate from within and whether talking, communicating, and vibes are all that form our lives. I'm interested in the similarities of differing systems with life i.e. biology terms (which I'm taking a class in right now) equate beautifully with things that occur in human relationships, reactions, patterns.
I'm not sure that our society makes "soul searching" easily accessible to anyone. We are taught to constantly be distracted. We are taught that sitting around- not doing anything is a waste of valuable time. Industries are dependent on us being distracted. We are taught to shop, attend a class, watch tv, clean the house, surf the internet, join a gym, mow the yard, watch a movie, read a book, shop. DON'T JUST SIT THERE AND THINK. Instead of getting wise elders who have spent years reflecting, we get elders who regale us with tales of good tv shows, good bargains, good movies, good books, good hobbies. They essentially have been distracted for even longer than we have. It creates a conundrum for the stratification of respect by age. I find my own self expressing surprise at how "far along" 25 year olds or 23 year olds are. I'm beginning to think that how long we've been "off the merry go round" is analogous to how "old" we are.
That said, you know you'll always have company with me (until I become more evolved at least) in hating what Mondays represent. (I could also be in PMS.)
