there are times when the baby is turned inward and i feel kicks and punches waaaaay in the back of my body. essentially, this baby is kicking my ass. there are other times when she is facing outward and kicks so hard that my gut moves and i can only hope that it is her and not one of my organs squished beyond reason and looking for an alternate route out.
i've done pretty well with my hormones all 5 months but lately they've been kicking my ass too. the next three months are just this waiting period and for someone like me who prepares and plans obsessively, it's torture. there's nothing more to prepare. no more books to read. you just have to WAIT until this little thing comes out into the world and you figure out what to do. folks, it's the calm before the storm.
there is a sweet little article in today's nytimes by rich cohen about how his son got his name and it really summed up how i've been feeling:
"But here is what they don't tell you in class: having a baby changes your marriage. Having a baby changes everything. It makes you see yourself as part of the larger project. It takes you into that section of the Bible dominated by begats. It brings a clock into your house and sets that clock running. It gives time a face, and that face sits on your baby, as the clouds sit on the sea. It makes the future real. It makes your mind race ahead, far ahead, into the middle of the century, when you will be dead. It makes you know for certain that you are going to die. It makes you acutely aware of the accomplishments and shortcomings of your own parents. It makes you dread the day the boy will turn on you."
of course, please don't remind me that i choose this route. i'm just saying is all.
anyway, the best thing i wanted to tell you is that i won't be returning to work after i have this little baby girl face! yay! i am looking forward to ditching women's lib and doing the laundry and cooking dinner for my husband. and maybe watching a little days of our lives and reading. oh, and taking care of a baby. mustn't forget about the baby part!