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post #77
bio: anne

first post
that week

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Hello Happy Robot from 2010
Kansas City '75
Carolina Beach '07
I don't know how you scream like this without hurting yourself
I and J and tagalong K all on their way up the coconut tree.
Car ride

5 who pee, have peed or may have peed in my backyard

1. My five-year-old son (regularly).
2. His father (possibly) I can't say I know for a fact, but once when he was at the house and I was in the bathroom, he knocked, and when I called out "just a minute", he replied "never mind, I'll go outside". Since I have a second bathroom in this house, the quickness of his solution struck me as suspicious.
3. My 22 year old brother (just once that I know of).
4. My 12 old nephew (just once I'm pretty sure).
5. My sister's 30ish year old friend. (X 3 in the course of an evening of beer and war stories).

My responses

1. (a) If I catch him as he's unbuttoning his pants, but before he's fully taken "the stance", I yell "A-WAIS!"
His response is usually "but the golfers aren't out!" or "the golfers aren't looking!" (Our backyard overlooks a golf course).
And I'll say, "There's no reason to pee outside! Go inside and use the bathroom!"
And he'll say "but I really, really have to go!"
And I'll say, "Go inside then!"
And he'll say "But I can't waaaait!!" (Jumping up and down till I take him by the arm and lead him into the house).

(b) If he's in mid stream, I pretend I don't see him. I don't want to startle him and end up having to peel off his pee-soaked clothes. Bellowing at a kid while they're urinating seems generally bad- a way to create "Lifetime" channel type neurosis. Also, I figure, if I pretend not to see, then he could be lead to believe it's the kind of thing he could get away with if I don't see it.

If, at the very least, he'd come to understand it's inappropriate enough to hide- that would be progress.

2. "We have another bathroom!" (Yelled through the door)
"Err, right!" (He yells back)

3. No response. I pretend not to notice. He was discrete about it- at the corner of the yard facing the woods. Plus, he was there helping me weed-whack. I don't yell at people who help me with yard work. Plus, I didn't want to draw Awais' attention to what his uncle was doing- he'd have been way too impressed.

4. "Um, you couldn't wait?" said real nonchalantly and in a low voice, because he's a tween, and they're sensitive about body-issue stuff, right? Also, because I didn't want to draw Awais' attention to the fact his cousin had just whipped it out a few short yards from the house and in front of me! I like this kid, but it's not like I spend that much time with him. He doesn't know me that well.
He (a Christian youth-group, yes sir/yes ma'am- straight arrow, genuinely nice kid) shrugs.

(a) "Everything o.k.?", Sarah, asks her friend on his first return from the back yard.
"Just using the bathroom", he says.

(b) "That's NOT a Bathroom!", I call after him, on his second trip to the back door.
He smiles at my sister. "Country living!" he says.
Sarah, says "Ben!"

(c) "There are toys out there! Don't pee on the children's bikes!" I yell this from the other side of the screened back door- to Sarah, I say "wtf?" Sarah, shrugs, then snorts, and then starts to giggle. They'll both be back in Iraq three days from that moment.
Him, from the dark- "okee dokee!"

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