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post #311
bio: rich

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that week

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My Brain Activity Audit - Spetember 2003

Dear (My Employers Name Here),
I have been having a sneaking suspicion that I am not operating at peak capacity and it's making a bit guilty about taking your money from you.
The other day, to combat the guilt, I took an audit of the activity of my brain and the results were not encouraging. As you will see from the chart below, your fine company is barely registering in my brain during the average work hour.

My Brain Activity Audit - Spetember 2003
Key: Percentage - Activity
Sorted in decreasing percentages / percentages rounded off

23% - How I could do the Star Wars prequels better.

15% - Hmmmm, now that would be a good feature for happyrobot

12% - I need to blow my nose

11% - I need to fill my water bottle and/or then pee

7% - What is that person doing in the bathroom stall? What do you have to eat to achieve that decibel level of noise?

6% - This report is awfully big - Does anyone ever read this stuff?

5% - I don't think that guy likes me. Why does he always glare at me when walking by my office?

4% - This shirt fits funny.

4% - Who is that glaring guy? Screw him. C'mon glaring guy, say something. I'll f*cking take you right here in front of Human Resources.

2% - What do all these emails mean? Should I know what they mean? Do other people know? I have no idea. Is this a bad thing?

2% - Where's my boss?

2% - Why don't I have some sort of super power?

1% - My To-Do list is long

1% - Funny how I drink less alcohol these days.

1% - OK, really, I have no idea what this email is about.

1% - Does my plant need water? Where's Rebecca? She'd know.

1% - Does my tree need water? It seems fine. Does anyone else here name their plants? The tree's name is Jeff.
(Jeff- your nametag from the AutoShow is on the tree, hence, the tree has your name now)

1% - Did my stomach just make that noise?

1% - Her skirt is a little short for the workplace.

Your faithful employee,

(my name here)

Hey Rich,
How would you make the Star Wars prequels better? Seriously, I wanna hear this.
»chris ||  9/9/2003 ||  2:54:42 PM
Me too! And I likey the short skirts!
»jeff the tree ||  9/9/2003 ||  3:08:33 PM
I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't understand those emails
»your boss ||  9/9/2003 ||  3:11:58 PM
i don't think you are really my boss, because I know for a fact that he is on the road right now b/c he just called me.
»:r ||  9/9/2003 ||  4:06:06 PM
Short skirts would be way higher on my list.
»matthew ||  9/9/2003 ||  4:07:21 PM
for a guy who really doesn't want to be known as a star wars fan / sci-fi goof, i think a lot of about better versions of star wars.
i will work on this for a later journal entry.
»:r ||  9/9/2003 ||  4:07:25 PM
Hey asshole! Water me!
I can't believe you have time to waste on a faux letter to your boss and include how much brain power you waste on whether or not I need water and then...YOU STILL DON'T WATER ME!.
I'm not mad, I just don't think you hear me.
»jeff (your tree) ||  9/10/2003 ||  1:23:47 PM
That other Jeff the tree dude is from the guy in accounting's office.
You know the short guy with the weejuns that have the super worn heels? That's his tree, Jeff. Not your tree, Jeff.
I'm your tree. And I agree with you on the skirts deal.
»jeff (your tree) ||  9/10/2003 ||  1:25:59 PM
wow. dead on. and who doesn't want to throw down in front of HR just so you can get a piece of them to. god damned Human Refuse.
»klutch.xls ||  9/10/2003 ||  9:27:12 PM
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha! Great entry.

Yes, water that poor thing.
»rebecca ||  9/12/2003 ||  12:49:56 PM
Rich, you are brilliant!
»flavamartinez ||  9/12/2004 ||  8:50:15 PM

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