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post #349
bio: rich

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that week

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Dear Adina’s Rat – an open letter from my cat

Dear Adina's Rat – an open letter from my cat,
Rat, you should be glad your ate that poison, because if I would have been there, you would of wished you had ate the whole box of poison instead.

You'd be standing there going, "I sure wish I ate a whole box of poison instead of trying my luck with this cat. Someone, please, poison my ass. You there, poison boy, come on."

And I'd be all like, "Let me bite you again."

And you'd be like, "Ow! Poison take me away!"

See, I have such disgust and hatred for your kind that I would willingly travel all the way to Toronto (I hate traveling) and help out Adina – even though, when Adina first met me she said something like, "Oh, I didn't think she was so fat."

I would arrive in Toronto with my luggage (bag of cat nip, empty cardboard box, and some pieces of string) and immediately start surveying the situation. I'd investigate all the ways you could escape and I would jump on all the counters and furniture to make sure they are stable (you don't want to jump on a chair in the heat of battle and find that the chair is wobbly and look like a dumbass).

Adina would point at the place under the refrigerator where you are hiding. My keen sense of smell would have alerted me to your whereabouts already, but I have to make the humans think they are helpful.

Then, I would sit. Haunches ready to launch. Tail slowly swishing. I would stare under the refrigerator.
You might not be able to see me, but I know you could sense I was there. If you peeked out, all you would see would be my eyes boring into your soul.
You would be frightened.

I would sit there for hours on end. No water. No food.
Minutes would turn into hours. The sun would set and the house would become quiet.

You could hear my breathing. Calm but determined.

You would be frozen in fear and not eat the whole time. And then you'd realize the game I am playing.
In order to eat, you must come out.

And that's where I'll be waiting.

The next day, you'll be on the brink on insanity.
"What is that cat doing?! How is she still there?!!"

You'll realize that you are going to have to make a break for it. Maybe I don't know about the back way out of the refrigerator you think. Maybe you assume that I think you'll only come out of the front.

Wrong. I totally know all the options. I have been going through the game in my mind this whole time. I know your every move.

You decide that that you can't continue to eat refrigerator parts anymore. You slowly creep towards the back of the fridge and plan on making a run for the counter a few feet away.

I'm not moving so you think that I don't know what you are up to - dude, I so know what you are up to.

You poke out your nose from the back of the fridge and then make a run. Scurrying as fast as you can with your tail up in the air.

The counter is so close now… You can almost taste it.

Until you see a dark shadow blocking out the light. You look to your side, but see nothing.

From the air with claws bared I come.

That rat was BIG, though. like half the size of Kero. It woulda been messy, but I know Kero woulda won the day. Go Kero!

»pony ||  12/8/2003 ||  12:08:31 PM
Rich, uh, I mean, Kero -- this is absofrickin'lutely brilliant.
Kero is the Charles Bronson of cats.
»chris ||  12/8/2003 ||  1:11:31 PM
poor little rat
»klutch.rpt ||  12/8/2003 ||  2:50:11 PM
your cat talks like Smoove B
»smoove e ||  12/9/2003 ||  9:48:20 AM
From the air with claws bared I come.

hello haiku
»kristen ||  5/18/2012 ||  12:46:37 AM

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