Yesterday Wednesday's commute to work was fine and relaxing and I somehow ended up on the train where they only allowed sweet smelling funky-pretty girls. I got to work thinking, "this town sure is pretty".
This morning was the opposite, and by opposite I mean the train car I was on was populated by a raving goofball who had lots of issues with homosexuals (good thing I wore an almost pink-ish shirt today) and white people (oddly, he was white). Ugh. It was so annoying. He was just yelling about four more years of Bush, and how white people are selling the drugs and everyone is gay… oh, and he kept mentioning Faberge eggs. That was kind of odd now that I think about it. But, it was one of those situations that if anyone looked at him, he would then take it a challenge. Are stun guns legal in NYC? I bet not.
Oh, the point is this: many times in my button-down cube dwelling world I come across people I think need to be hit in the head with a crowbar. Say, right on the side of the head for maximum damage to their jaw.
The following people need a crowbar to the head 1. That jerkoff on the train this morning. Crack!
2. The man yelling at the cab driver this morning. You know, that happens. Sometimes you get in a cab and the driver is like, "no, sorry, I can't drive you to Minnesota right now". It wasn't like it was raining and 5pm rush hour and that was the only cab for hours - you were in front of a hotel with cabs queuing behind you.
But, you had to sit there and yell at the guy and then keep yelling at him as you walked away and then do that mubling angry thing as you walked down the sidewalk… "Tell me he won't take me there. I'm the customer. It's the law. He has to take me. Stupid motherf*cking giz bang noodle banger"
Crowbar to the head from behind. Thwack.
3. Often people lose their pets and post little signs up around their neighborhood with photos and contact information. Many times their pets are found and happily returned - but even so, it seems like there are increasing stories about people calling the sad pet owners and trying to scam them. "Yea, I got your dog. Meet me here at 2am with $1000 and I'll give him to you - otherwise I'll kill him"
These people deserve the crowbar right to the face. Front and center. Smash.
Side note: I am thinking of posting fake 'lost dog' posters and seeing what kind of calls I get. Actually, I think the friggin police should do this. I realize that they have bigger things to worry about, but I also think clearing the streets of people who would even think to do something like this isn't a bad idea.
4. The MTA in general. They shut down all these token booths on the subway line, so now we can get harassed by people selling swipes from their MetroCard. Almost every morning when I am getting on the train, there is a guy hassling people who are buying MetroCards from the machines. It's even worse in Manhattan, like the stop near my office that serves as a good place for these guys to hassle tourists who are trying to buy cards. Thanks MTA for making our stations MORE unsafe! You retards rock!
Collective smash on the head.
5. A certain crooked-mouthed heart-attack prone politician (Secret service, I am just kidding here)
6. The crazy yelling people that sometimes wander my neighborhood. I'm sorry that you are crazy, and I'm sorry that you are upset that someone: a. took your last ice cream bar b. disrespected your otherwise fine qualities c. slept with your brother and/or sister d. owes you $23
But, you know, when you start yelling at the top of your lungs for thirty minutes to a person who lives on the third floor of the building that you are standing in front of... well, it's time to meet Mr. Crowbar.
Okay. That's enough crowbar smashing for today. You what else gets in my craw, though?
Hello Dorks That Democratic Convention thing - could they of picked stupider music to play? Were my ears a-foolin' me or did I hear Van Halen's song "Right Now"? Hey! The dork store called - they want their, um, dork stuff back. I can only assume that the Republican Convention will out-dork them, so I suppose I will be voting for whatever party is the less dorkiest of the two.
Please shut up I may come off as some sort of Kerry voting metasexual-wannabe, but I think if I had to lay out my cards with some kind of truth serum, I would be smack-dab in the middle of it all (let's not factor in my crowbar smashing method of foreign policy).
I wish TV had a feature that would display when someone was lying or stretching the truth. Kerry: "Bush raised these taxes" Bush: "I cut those taxes" Bush: "Kerry voted to elect Saddam Hussein to the State Senate of Massachusetts" Kerry: "I voted for more tax breaks for fighters of evil doers" Bush: "Kerry is against giving our soldiers guns" Kerry: "John Edwards is not only a good man, he can also turn into a killer, transformer type robot"
I wish we all had the time and energy to research every claim these candidates make. (you'd think the media would help out with this, wouldn't you?)
Experience This was one of my favorite political bits from last month.
Armed with a thick dossier of anti-Edwards facts and figures compiled during the Democratic primaries, Republicans wasted no time this week in labeling Edwards, 51, "unaccomplished." President Bush followed up with a curt swipe, saying the difference between Edwards and Vice President Dick Cheney is that "Dick Cheney can be president."
The Kerry campaign counters that Edwards has plenty of experience on vital issues, including three years on the Senate Intelligence Committee and a career of helping ordinary people as a trial lawyer. In fact, they argue, Edwards is better equipped to be president than Bush was when he ran in 2000 as a second-term governor. Kerry said as much at a campaign stop this week and on CNN's Larry King Live last night. (from the Baltimore Sun)