New  »   Sunshine Jen  ·  Post-Modern Drunkard  ·  Poop Beetle  ·  Robot Journal  ·  Gator Country
Search...
«« past   |   future »»


robot journal
Robot Journal


comments[2]
all comments

post #655
bio: rich
perma-link
3/6/2008
04:43

wish list
archives
first post
that week
XML/RSS


Previous Posts
Music of Teens: K Tel's The Beat
#CocktailRobot: The Per Sempre
#CocktailRobot: The Fitzgerald
#CocktailRobot: The Aviation
#CocktailRobot: The Copper Cocktail
#CocktailRobot: The Leap Year


Category List
Apartment Buying in NYC
Bob Swanson
Cameras!
Cocktails
Cougars!
Election 2004
February Smackdown
Food and Drink!
Group Topics
Holiday!
I heart Brooklyn
Lists of things
Out of Context SMS
Rejected Love Stinks stories
Site News
Snap Wrap
Things I've Owned
This I believe


Excerpts from my soon to be released memoir detailing my fantastic life

Chapter One
My Childhood
Winter was always a challenge when you are raised by and living with wolves. I didn’t have fur which is a huge issue. You can’t believe what a hassle it is to live with wolves in the winter time and not have thick fur covering your body.
It’s the winter. It’s cold. It’s always wet.

The funny thing is that if you were able to track down my human parents (AKA Mr. & Mrs. Abandon with Wolves) you would see that my father has very hairy legs and arms, yet almost no hair on his chest and/or back. Just like myself and my human brother who we often spied on when out hunting for deer.
“Mom! The wolves are spying on me!” he would cry when he spotted us.
We called him “Scared of Wolves”.

Then there is the quality of food during the winter – basically it is all rabbits as the deer somehow are a bit more careful and clever (and they are too skinny in the winter anyway). Don’t get me wrong, rabbits are tasty - but not for every meal.




Chapter Five
The Teenage Astronaut
I wish mom-wolf could see me now… floating above the earth and conducting scientific experiments with the other astro-teen-nauts. This is such an amazing opportunity for me and should open all sorts of doors. Yesterday (or today as it’s hard to keep track of time here) that stupid guy Frank (SHUSTER!) walked in to the lab as I was working clandestinely on my “how wolves would adapt to space” project (consisting of letting a rabbit loose in the lab and chasing it). He threatened to tell the other astro-teen-nauts about my secret project – that was until I mauled him (note to wolves: the space suit material is difficult to claw through and will dull your claws rather quickly).

In other news, the female astro-teen-nauts are quite distracting in zero gravity. I’d howl at the moon if I could see it.





Chapter 15
Political Aspirations
This is a great country and I am so fortunate to have been abandoned to the wolves here. America is the only country in the world where someone like myself could aspire to political office. Someone who was raised by wolves… a man who traveled into outer space and mauled countless astro-teen-nauts yet was able to marry into two royal families and win five Nobel Prizes (three based upon the healing power of strawberry jam).
On top of everything, the countless hours I have spent on charitable enterprises. Feeding the hungry. Clothing the unclothed. Mauling the unmauled.

I stand before the American people. Do they want me to run for office? I believe they do. Can I win? Yes I can. Will I maul my opponents? Figuratively, yes.




this is awesome.
»pony ||  3/5/2008 ||  4:52:38 PM
You should send this to the New Yorker or the Times Mag.
»jb ||  3/5/2008 ||  9:34:02 PM



«« past   |   future »»