Dear (My Employers Name Here),
I have been having a sneaking suspicion that I am not operating at peak capacity and it's making a bit guilty about taking your money from you.
The other day, to combat the guilt, I took an audit of the activity of my brain and the results were not encouraging. As you will see from the chart below, your fine company is barely registering in my brain during the average work hour.

My Brain Activity Audit - Spetember 2003
Key: Percentage - Activity
Sorted in decreasing percentages / percentages rounded off

23% - How I could do the Star Wars prequels better.

15% - Hmmmm, now that would be a good feature for happyrobot

12% - I need to blow my nose

11% - I need to fill my water bottle and/or then pee

7% - What is that person doing in the bathroom stall? What do you have to eat to achieve that decibel level of noise?

6% - This report is awfully big - Does anyone ever read this stuff?

5% - I don't think that guy likes me. Why does he always glare at me when walking by my office?

4% - This shirt fits funny.

4% - Who is that glaring guy? Screw him. C'mon glaring guy, say something. I'll f*cking take you right here in front of Human Resources.

2% - What do all these emails mean? Should I know what they mean? Do other people know? I have no idea. Is this a bad thing?

2% - Where's my boss?

2% - Why don't I have some sort of super power?

1% - My To-Do list is long

1% - Funny how I drink less alcohol these days.

1% - OK, really, I have no idea what this email is about.

1% - Does my plant need water? Where's Rebecca? She'd know.

1% - Does my tree need water? It seems fine. Does anyone else here name their plants? The tree's name is Jeff.
(Jeff- your nametag from the AutoShow is on the tree, hence, the tree has your name now)

1% - Did my stomach just make that noise?

1% - Her skirt is a little short for the workplace.

Your faithful employee,

(my name here)

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