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It had taken her three days to open the envelope addressed to her maiden name from a place she had sent Grace.
She picks ups a yellow post-it note from the floor as she writes this. It says "Kristen's Permission Slip: Allowed to FEEL JOY". She places it next to the sonic green larger post-it note with "YOU ARE SAFE" emboldened on the face.
She was historically good with knots yet not so great with feeling safe enough to speak. it was an eternal hard one.
Walking to get her daily cat grass from the local electric company, she saw a lavender comb pulled out of a homeless person's trousseau and daily grooming in the raw. She passed a latent parade route. Today, black joy will be celebrated adjacent to her apartment. She hopes it won't be like the comedy shows where she had to bow out:
"look at me
want me
which comes first"
and this was about grace because she had been in her head since the forbidding envelope. so, yesterday the neurotic mess that was narcissi was finally ready to open the thing. It was a Saturday. it was sunny. her cat had been to the vet. she had learned many things about how much she loved her cat. She had taken six halves of her very precious anti-anxiety pills throughout the ordeal to get her there. The last time she had walked through those doors, the most terrifying thing on the planet happened: her cat did not come out with her and died painfully.
grace had been extremely upset that she had not been invited to the ashes throwing in mt. Shasta as she felt she had loved Padz. I didn't even want to take Andrea, he just had the wheels. she was born in Brighton beach, new York and her ashes would be spread in Mt. Shasta a holy place with happy parks around....
...
grace lived with some old man in a town nearby the gave me the creeps from the highway. she'd be back in town soon enough, and I was with someone I couldn't quite place. I never would be able to place Andrew. the gist of the matter was her indignation.
Later, when I moved out of my apartment to be with Andrew she again did Andrew's work for him: I packed Andrew's apartment and grace and I packed mine - she flew down like the imposing angel she thought she was. rescuing me.
in other ways it could be seen as the seeds of our discontent. she stayed at our house and got her fix and her childcare situation is always the envy of anyone.
she was the younger friend who inexplicably worshipped me. It was SO AWESOME to be around especially with my heavy tendencies to want to be validated and emotionally supported. she was great for me in that because I had given her money and she was younger, I had the power over her. She had a habit of showing up and making it ok because she'd bring weed and food and was an amazing conversationalist and she'd be out like a flash or as I'd often say "dude, one day" and she'd know she could maybe earn more. she was my cat sitter when I used to go into show battle (what I used to call visiting my family).
so my last summer break before graduating from grad school was one week. My sister wanted to gift me - so we got a place in Charleston. it was the first time I would be going back to the land of my father. I called it going into the enemy territory - Mordor.
but I had plenty of dough and it was contented safety all around me so I did something I always wanted to do. Because my sister/moms change of plans, I wasn't going to get to have my usual "days of processing" after the visits that I like to schedule AFTERWARDS. This time, I scheduled some time for myself BEFORE the visits. Although I'd had lots of IFS therapy, I was still scared. It scared me to be with the women the most. I wanted desperately to move through this. So, I lived my dream. if you ever want, it's the 20 south battery inn and the room I got had a balcony overlooking the place where steed bonnet met his end of the rope. I also was there on Carolina Day. It felt like the best place and the best time and the best vacation. The room and the town were amazing. I walked and walked and walked and got blisters on my feet but I didn't care. it was awesome.
I didn't really text my spouse much or call him because I saw so much of him this was a vacation away from that too. I did daily do the "I love you" as you do. What a retro-faker I see myself now, but as Kent told me "dude, you looked like the literal PHOTO of content when you were in Chas town."
So, I'm packing and getting ready to get to the flight and Grace texts - she's living in NC now and has decided after all that she would like to be spontaneous and join me. I was like "uhhhhhhhh what? I'm not sure I even..." and like always she reassured me she would get her own place she'd be coming down whether I was there or not - she just needed a break. what could I say.
but I was a bit pissed. it was so typical.
and in typical fashion, it was wonderful. she's a great companion and ended up having to drive down so had a car and ended up inviting her to my mom and sister's rented place when they came. she got along with everyone, and as I've mentioned it was HEAVEN to not be the "junior girl" - grace had to do all the shit for the princesses that apparently are my mom and sister (on the last day, I was like "I'm going to NOT make coffee for once - let's see what the do"). I had been a chore war for about 6 years at that point. It was all for the score. Grace left on the day before my niece came.
she ended up changing her entire daughter's plans because she loved the area I showed her.
if only she had said
"lose my number asshat. I'm narcissi's friend"
Instead, she chose to puppet string benevolently from afar.
it sucked for everyone - her included.
again, somehow doing the work that should have been my spouse's.
and opening that hate envelope. It was my own apology letter sent unopened back to me.
I laughed as a scorpio-identifier: you obviously still love me. the smoother move would have been to throw it in the garbage when you get a chance - apathy is the sadder one.
and it hurt yet I loved the clarity.
so I have that new friend I was telling you about and I was starting with "so, she kind of got really involved in helping my husband and saying she was a double agent...it got really uncomfortable to me once I was in my right mind and she was really mad when I told her to stop talking to him...even if she did feel it was helpful - I needed to deal with Andy myself....and I wanted to make sure he didn't think I had a friend who hated me so much they would help him destroy me...."
my new friend says "wait, was this chick into your husband? this makes no sense."
the repetition as I set in a new hovel of shame....
the only difference is.
faith
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