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it's always fraught when spending time with my sister and mother. it's like fight to kiss me or a dunking tank or please me or perish.... I went to therapy during COVID on account of the thought of seeing my family terrified me, and I wanted done with it... so the best thing the therapist did was ask me questions that I only floated around in my head and never said out loud. She asked me "what do you envision as the best case scenario for your family."
that floored me. because articulating it, I realized "oh shit, we're NEVER going to just be comfortable and talk and have no landmines to navigate." it was all a fookin fantasy, and I had to shatter it or risk busting my head on the wall I was banging against.
It was helpful, and I began to get stronger in my self and practiced not caring so much for external validation. I had a support system of my spouse and the 'best friend' who was like a constant pushy person. We used to joke that the only reason she and I were friends was because she did 1000% of the effort, yet it wasn't that much of a joke. It was a shitty friendship. I just didn't know it until it broke.
So I'm with the person that considers me her best friend but who I consider slightly dangerous but awesome to be around and very very loving of me. We're in caper's island swimming in water that was like when I was a little girl. I stayed in the water for the full hour we were there on our three-hour cruise. The rest came to pee. (and you know I think of the sea lice eating me and getting in my hair all while I was just peacefully floating and loving my life).... Grace flitted a little bit, and I said to her deliberately and seriously.
"I have to tell you something. it's going to be hard"
"OK. what."
"Last night, my sister told me something that killed a part of me. She told me something about my father.........and it's going to be hard for me to live with this."
The think I was told is not mine to tell, but anyone with a brain could imagine - it's the WORST scenario you could ever imagine. When I found out about it the night prior. I had stood stunned. My rage and self-pity part immediately record scratched. I went towards the edge of the room as I didn't want to abandon them, and I silently SCREAMED just to get some of the bile out of my mind. it kills me NOW to even think of it. I sob out loud, so obviously I still haven't processed it.
When I came home, I told #2 what happened. It took me a day to work myself into the courage to tell him. Afterwards, he hugged me and said "you're a good person." and I was like "what the fuck sort of thing is that to say in this response." but I enjoyed the hug. He was a good hugger because he was so big and tall and broad. Then I went crazy while at the same time getting sea lice - little tiny jellyfish larvae using my body as a host. It sucked.
I lost my fucking mind.
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