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I tell you everything. Everyone that I ever allow into my life, I will wait until I guide them here. My last spouse didn't even want to read any of it. He claimed he didn't like "labels" but in reality, I just think he was lazy. I would almost kill to get such access into the inner mind of the human I chose to spend the next/last maybe 40 years of my life.
and for all the worry, it was just a big ole weekend of emptiness.
I was shocked when Aubrey's spouse died of suicide. I had just researched hanging as so many do it - robin, Anthony, Kate, mick jagger's girlfriend... for me, hanging wasn't even on my top five of ways to off myself. For one, I think your face gets hella grody - and secondly, it just seems if you're not very experienced, it might be slow and painful. The studies I did on it suggested that people enjoyed the ease of access and perceived their bodies as appearing peaceful. Gross! the subtle movement of the body with the air - yuck. Give me pills (my #2) any day. My problem with pills is that - druggie that I am - I don't want the mind fuck of going "wait, oh shit!!!!! I changed my mind" in the middle of it or some slow inevitable yuck. I've even heard that my #1 method of starvation is non-ideal as you feel a lot of pain and your hair falls out - but fuck it. Hopefully, this is all an academic question.
I feel like a fucking whore
on bumble...
this last profile update I admitted that I was "weird" in order to try and weed some out, but oh the weeding. and oh the emptiness.
now to work... gratefully
I got the last whatever you call it - alimony payment - from fucking Andrew. I texted him "bye" on Venmo. I will be pleased not to see his smug countenance, yet here I am - whoring now...
bye
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