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The orange cat is sick on her bed and won't even eat the yellow dust.
She is worried and thinks of it as a metaphor of course.
She turned her phone off last night after typing "please come see me" like a drunken fool, and she lived all the rolling stone's lyrics about not being able to drink people off her mind. Again, she should be hungover, but maybe it was true what they said about tequila. She had only bought it for him. She had only drank it to not feel the truth of the matter.
He
most
definitely
did
not
love her.
and she loved him.
a story older than time. She could either sulk and retreat and try to get new people to patter at her door, or she could just accept all the time he was willing to give her knowing that she was less than - something with which to use to alleviate boredom.
Did she have the strength to let him go if he was giving her even the faintest of access to his faintest of company? knowing that he fervently hoped for better pickings as soon as bumble tinder hinge IRL lights up a match?
It made her sick.
She wasn't going to go to Atlanta again today. she was going to sulk in a different way today. She was going to sulk knowing what the deal was - instead of this constant dreaming it was another way.
Besides, what kind of company would she be today? everyone knows that she loved him. even he knew.
he must have thought she was too messy. He might have just thought she was not correct. It didn't matter. She wanted to say goodbye to him though. She would say that and mean that she wanted one last shitty peckish kiss from the man she loved.
Last night, she had pulled all the stops - practically whipping out a copy of her IQ test. It was pathetic "look at my art" - "look at my body" - "look at my mind".
He replied without saying anything: "I see you pathetic creature and wish you well."
Yesterday, she was too numb to cry. Yesterday, she had the tiniest amount of hope.
Today, she was going to cry and hope that a miracle would happen for the orange cat. She wanted it to purr again and eat kitten food and be a pain in the ass.
She already couldn't stand all the Christmas wishes she would or wouldn't get.
Her list was
one
person.
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