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I just called my mother a fucking cunt.
Not to her face, but to the robot.
I realized that Neil activated all that shit that had been buried because I hadn't given a fuck about anyone - hence wasn't vulnerable for the longest of times. He saw me with that brain as big as mine - a brother if you will - and he walked the fuck away - backed off from all my ... feelings. Like a coward dick. And, I'm sure I merited it. I didn't know how to love without performing my wheelchair dance.
oh mother. you did this to me. you crippled me.
You never saw me. When I think of my mother, I think of someone holding me on their lap and looking off into the distance with a Mona Lisa smile on their face. She has never spoken to me about anything real. She just wafts in her bubble claiming she never gets upset and everything is fine.
When I called her a fucking cunt, it was because of what she did to her family. She abandoned us while still being there in her body (just like the monster she chose for our father). She gave us food, shelter, clothing - but she was always deferential to the troubled boy and jealous of the beautiful fucked girls. For 84 years, she's been secretly jealous of my aunt - always talking about her behind her back. My aunt blissfully is unaware and adores my mother. My aunt has fuck-you money. My mother just has money.
Neil and I once spoke about it. He's got such a chip on his huge muscled shoulders and always says - or several times ejected "my mother abandoned me".
Well fuck you Kneel.
Fuck you and your personal fucking pity party.
Try living with a bunch of fucking zombies.
try that out mother fucker.
They're all alive and saying words that say they like you - giving you breadcrumbs and sustenance and never telling you you're awesome - you're amazing - without immediately undercutting it.
I told you the time someone random said to my mother "what a beautiful daughter you have" and when I said "thank you so much" my mother later said to me I was arrogant for aknowleding a compliment. She also used to tell me I stood up TOO straight for my posture.
At the time, I had mark - external validation - so I said a big "you know what bitch. I lived with your demeaning shit for all my life and had raging bulimia to try to conform to what you wanted - but fuck you. I think after all the beautiful sensitive men who called me beautiful - I think I'm going to do something radical - and be grateful. Besides, it's your fucking face I inherited."
and obviously I never said this to her. I danced like the baby of the family with all the adults and individuated siblings letting me observe their lives so much I vowed to never be fake - to never tell a lie.
I lie all the time.
My mom also knowing is cutting her kids out of her will. She does this because she chooses a man over us. Thanks bitch. Feels so ... loving.
She never even said anything about "fuck your fucking asshole father and all the demonic fucked up shit he did to this family."
Instead, she turns the pain on her, "Oh, I was so stupid. he cheated on me all the time. I bet you all think I'm a bad mother."
You know what mom? you're all I fucking have. I have no choice but to relate with you like a god.
thanks for all the support.
you were an heiress at 26. You were a fucking teacher and now you live like a millionaire.
live it up bitch.
You'll never even understand that your impending visit where you invite yourself into my pain to perform false empathy kills me. You'll never understand that I weep to wash the sheets and erase the skin cells of the only man I've loved in decades. You won't give a single shit because it's not a reflection of you.
You'll let me dance and smile and say it's all going to be ok.
but fuck you for not understanding. fuck you both for leaving me.
I'm your daughter, and I love you as much as you love me.
probably more.
merci for everything.
and you wonder why I never had children.
fuck
oh, and I'm sure all this rage comes from my father. Not you of course - because you're always the beautiful young-for-her age looking victim.
congrats.
I'm the daughter.
and seriously, for what it's worth. You saved my life.
I pray to whatever god there is that one day I'm grateful for that.
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