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I'm flooded with things to write and also not pressed to write. It's mostly from habit and vanity that you find me here.
The entire house smells of sweat - it's the early spring.
all the lawns in the neighborhood are flowered with tall wild weeds amidst the grass. No one has cut their lawn yet though - not a sound of the motor
that first ding dong of summer.
the visit with the sister had gone better than expected. but she expected nothing but to be away from the torment of sitting on that sofa wondering how she had lost
a
fun
guy
it wasn't really that, it was loss of hope/trajectory/love/possibility
she had wanted his body to light up in tingles when she ran her fingers through his gorgeous hair. she had wanted him to stroke her hair and know how very soft and singular.
fuck,
said a million ways, she had just wanted to be loved by someone she loved and to try in a real, mutually adored chance at a relationship.
how to say
yesterday, she had remembered that she wasn't a dork.
well, she might be a dork, but she wasn't someone to dismiss.
She re-listened to al the playlists she gave him - why not, they were her very favorite songs. The ones he had just "I just don't like your music - the songs you choose".
it makes her laugh that she still keeps pointing back to that.
before she had met him, she had said the thing that mattered the most in the next selection - things:
1. loving of the mother / women
2. like the same music - enjoy being turned on
3. someone achingly intelligent and playing with words
after she met him, she added a fourth one she hadn't known had to be done - as in her experience, once you make love for real - love - it all blossoms, but she put this mandatory on the list
4. likes to stroke my body and languor in lovemaking and cuddling and kissing.
It kind of feels cheesy to even say such a thing - but said it was.
back to a burgeoning spring, it's beautiful all the birds and the pink purple dark lavender trees that were blossoming and the beautiful pear tree blossoms and peeking azaleas.
It was beautiful also yesterday to think to herself and know it:
"he's wrong. my music is good, and I'm worth it."
it was beautiful to listen to music again, and dance. she wrote nothing.
she just returned home.
thank you sister for the reset and love.
"what was I doing when y'all were trying to get momma to stop? just screaming in the corner? did I try to help? did I know I was too little?"
"I know you don't realize this or it doesn't make sense, but you were the only thing any of us liked - you were awesome."
Narcissi persisted, "but good god, y'all were all so broken and angry and sad. it was absolutely hellish."
her sister emphasized, "I know. of course I know. and Mom was always like that - she was never a hugger, and always was checked out kind of looking off into space; but, we all loved you. you were the joy in our family - the only joy. You were so loved."
Narcissi blinked, "you're definitely right. I did not see it."
The next morning, she woke up next to her sister and after her sister said "good morning" - narcissi immediately said, "two things, do you remember that lemon tree ceramic thing that grandmother Sutherland would put in the middle of the table and we'd have to mind our manners like President Ford or Carter were there?"
"Oh yes! I do."
"and when we went on vacations with her, she would put the milk jug to replace it and we'd have to pretend that was the president."
"oh yeah"
"and another thing, I wanted to correct, it's that I think I can't be loved just for who I am, I think I have to earn it, perform it, do something - be something they want - to get it and THAT is what I'm working on - to not give a fuck."
"good. I still think you should have played hard to get - you liked him too much. You've got to hook them."
Narcissi said this with firm self-examined surety, "I could sooner do that than breathe water. It would be like acting. If he couldn't take that I liked him and showed it - well, fuck his lack of imagination."
"exactly. and honestly, I think he's not going to be able to do better than you. You were a very good catch for him."
"that's sweet of you to say. I'm a fucking mess when I fall in love, it triggers all my defenses, and I have a lot..."
Her sister laughed, "Want to go on a walk or you heading out?"
"Yeah, I'm heading out - got to get home and think about myself some more."
"I love you."
she thanks her and says the same. Her car gets valet-ed up and piece of shit that it was, the valet says "I like your car - it's classic."
She rode on that the whole way home.
And didn't stop in his forest, but she had wanted to.
ending on prepositions made her feel
like a rebel.
It was the details.
She missed him like a limb.
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