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The orange cat had been afraid of the local neighborhood fireworks and hid under the coffee table. the new cat stared out the window. The peace lily was still alive, but she didn't really have much hope for it. cue depressive missive about how no hope in anything anymore.
she took the pills.
she still cried thinking about it, but she had gotten through yesterday and the day before and those had been planned stations of the cross for him. No one cared. It wasn't really possible for anyone else to know how lonely she felt.
alone in a kind of crowd.
She had blown off the elderly and old men that she met. Oh well. it wasn't like there was anything besides distraction down those alleys. Last night had been the fucking Fourth of July. it used to be her favorite holiday back in wilmington - summer and friends and grilling.
and feeling loved and loving.
today, she was twenty years older and feeling eighty. she wanted to drown herself in memories after she had numbed herself as best she could. This time, last year, she had already assumed he had ghosted her. She had texted three things in twelve hours, and he had not responded. It was so odd as to be a message. Then, he had pinged her in the mid morning to ask how she had liked the fireworks. a month or so later, he would tell her that he had lost his phone - which was unusual for him - and he had scurried to get it back, but had lost all her texts because he had to reset it.
at the time, she had obviously not known that and just thought 'wow, this one is a cool cucumber, and that was hard to like him so much and then think I was wrong."
"and were you wrong?"
"it's so very hard to tell. There could be a theory that I never dared hope that he could like me - that I was poison and therefore I scuttled all chances - there words I wrote the entire time with him - they weren't really true. they were me catastrophiizing. I was writing explosure therapy for when the inevitable would happen. I didn't know how else to survive it, and I tried so hard to expect the worst and I'd never be disappointed - only pleasantly surprised - but I don't know. I could have sabotaged. I know I gave myself away and all the cliches of what a classic anxious avoidant thing is, but god it hurts."
"yeah, but you're not really that special. everyone gets their heart broken."
"aww thanks. is that you mom? It kind of sucked. Taylor swift got married on the anniversary of my first date with Leon. I know it's stupid, but she broke up with Joe Alwyn the same time I broke up with Andrew, and ... our nows are different."
"for sure."
"and it doesn't even feel real anymore. it's like I made it all up."
"maybe you did."
"Ok."
what to do on this bonus Sunday. she swept the floor - the whole time shaking her head at how she was such a shitty cleaner, "why can I wipe something and it's messier afterwards. why can't I just hire a maid."
the newest neighbors had had a party last night. they hadn't invited her. she had eaten a hot dog and gotten sick. it was too hot to mow the grass. she had slept fourteen hours maybe. who was counting. It had been nice to read the biography on Larry and Vivien's relationship, but it made her sad.
of course.
everything dies.
she wondered why she was here. she had to make something up.
and she couldn't wait to be distracted.
this was drivel, but it helped.
the new cat constantly whined. she wishes she had no cats, but when the neighbor kids offered to take Dobby, she hesitated when she saw them battering around their own cat like a two-year-old with no discipline would do.
It sucked to love - best to not ever care.
she hated the tv weeds in her yard, but they were too many to pluck. the dandelions were gone. he would be having a cheeseburger today.
she would be eating crow.
she couldn't resist.
and she couldn't describe to you the annoying trigger that whining cajoling chirp the new cat did. she had had enough.
"FUCKING SHUT THE FUCK UP! DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING PLAY LET'S FUCKING PLAY. SHUT THE FUCK UP." She got out the feather wand and waved it like a killer. "
You're going to make me leave. I can't fucking stand this. And here I was nice to you wanting to have a good home for you and you drive me fucking crazy. I have to leave the house because you are driving me fucking insane and I can't just throw you outside because I fucking love you, and I fucking hate yelling at you. I know this isn't your fault but fuck. why the FUCK is this my life."
the cat looked at her and ran away from the toy.
"seriously, what the FUCK DO YOU WANT!!!! what the fuck do you want. I'll give you anything - do anything - to make you shut the fuck up. how?"
She waved the wand around more fiercely. The cat looked at her and went into the next room. It started its fucking cajoling howl. she broke. and cried while she waved the wand.
all it wanted to do was play with someone. she was so fucking tired of it all. and she waved that feather wand better.
it played. she hated everything. she wanted to just go. maybe she'd go to Aldi's fuck.
it wasn't about the cat.
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