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and my brother is dying.
I mean I know we're all dying, but he's got stage four esophageal cancer and can't swallow easily.
as you might possibly imagine, it brings up a lot. imagine if your brother had it - you'd shit right? and I know you called him like an uncle to me, but no matter what he's called - he's historically the protector I had. He would be like all of them - never home - but when he was, he'd pick me up like I was the sun and toss me up and it was real love.
for some reason the women, it was always just "fix your hair".
and the golf cart girls go by. it's a Monday. maybe I'll get oysters tonight at the half-price place to prove that I'm alive - or to get out and be around someone. I can barely keep my eyes open now. it's all so tiring.
do you remember meeting my brother? he was driving the golf cart when you texted me you had just reached savannah. we talked about you and how much I always talk about you. it was our second month or maybe third. it makes me cry to imagine laughing.
everything makes me cry.
and I know meeting my mom was... odd - but she was in the position I'm always in - the one without a mate - that weekend, so it was hard for her to regulate. she just had that simpy armor of a smile that I inherited so well.
god I miss you.
god I wish you were around to tell it to.
god I wish I could know I wasn't burdening you and you cared.
god I wish I had gotten behind that mother fucking poker face
but I didn't.
I can only remember how proud I was that my brother was such a host - that he was cool - the he held the party together - it was all for him - even though it was my mother's birthday, she just seemed like she was in her robot cave the whole time and the avatar was out. it was not anything abnormal to me, but I'd never brought anyone around who I knew so shortly. I did so many things I never did with others with you.
it's because I thought it was easy.
it was easy to see that we were a good match and both of us were weird as shit.
but maybe I can see cracks in it. before I deleted them all, the photos I captured of you, you looked like "fuck all these stupid rubes I'm among - but look how tolerant I am being around them." I had warned my family about your resting bitch face, and I said, "but he's not really like that. it's just a defense. he's so cool. I love him. I would NOT be bringing someone around you if I didn't think he was real. I could see myself with him forever."
god that makes my thick tears hot.
and I remember when you liked him. you went fishing with him. you hung out. my brother saying "Leon is cool." and I knew it but was as proud as a mother.
I had invited you into a world where I was not really powerful, but I was loved. and it was rather vulnerable - way vulnerable.
my brother has to grind up his food to eat it - or rather his wife does it.
he's terrified.
I'm all alone. the first thing or the third was wishing you were around. you aren't. it's stupid. I know all the facts that people throw and I should be over you. when my sister told me the news, and then later asked how I was and probed so I'd really answer.
"look. it's the most terrible time in my life. I'm taking medications, but I couldn't even keep a weirdo who I was willing to see once a week. he dumped me when I asked if he liked me really. I'm not sure I'll ever have anyone in my life besides passers by. it makes me so sad to see everyone matched up while I just pass the days as best I can. I know it's stupid and sad, but it's how I feel. and I'm not sure why mother didn't want to tell me about our brother. it's FUCKING ludicrous if she said it's because I'm too sad. in reality, this just says something like this is real life you indulgent romantic. snap out of it. I mean, fucking Leon is on the back burner. this is real."
but who do I think of? who do I want to tell? who do I wish cared?
if I had the energy, I'd cackle like a maniac and then dissolve into tears.
instead, I guess I'm grateful I know where to get the best Bahn mi sandwiches on Buford highway at lee's deli.
thanks dude.
wordle was a slog today. I didn't get it until the last try.
and brother, thank you for saying, "Leon is lucky to have you Kristy. I don't think he could get anyone better."
yeah, well, he probably chose no one over me bro.
but thanks for being safe when I was a kid. thanks for loving me. thanks for round and round. thanks for lighting up like a tree when I came into the room. thanks for the doobie.
thanks for being wise.
thanks for breathing. keep doing it for a long long time and going fishing.
and oh god
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