|
Oh robot. god.
fuck.
ouch.
sigh.
I mean, I had some interesting trips, but all in all - the noel thing was a complete fucking waste of time. not even a friendship out of it. just a confusing slap in the face after sitting pretty for ages because I valued it so fucking much.
ouch.
and I thought about going to the pizza place's trivia tonight. I could have. heck, I technically still could, but I also realized, I'm not like noel, and my sister and other people - I don't really enjoy at all the business and the games (literal) and the sports and the programmed days and the new things to try and the hobbies.
not that there's anything wrong with that. I definitely have my pendulum stuck in introvert loneliness currently, but as I've told you freaks - there are definitely worse things than being alone. def.
and I'm going there again. only because I realized something odd the other night. I asked myself - someone to talk to! - "so, if you could do it all over again, would you have stayed with mark?"
and I wasn't like oh god yes. of course. I was more like, "hmmmm". I saw that man at general longstreets in wilmington and said to Kent "I'm going to marry that guy." I don't do that super often - ever. and I
fucking
loved
mark
loved him
loved him
loved him.
I'll never forget the giddiness of playing with his mind and laughing and during our courting that thing I did where I bet him I could guess what he was thinking and it was "Karen Sillas!" or something. We were coming back to my apartment - the fucking confederate arms y'all - egads - and we were laughing our asses off in the elevator - just laughing. We had a language. we had nicknames. we had a million inside jokes. I love him to this day and would trust him with anything. I always say, "you'd have to be a psycho killer to not like mark." everyone liked him. everyone. (except that "you think you're funny but you're not" guy in redneck highs cool). I cried when I left his mother after spending Christmas with them because I was like "oh my god. families can be this way? you don't have to act. you can just be chill and silly and real?"
and so you know my fucking life is a joke now. a camping joke with fat asses and sagging necks and depression that hardly even ranks as that anymore - just as the usual. My life has sucked since I left mark. sucked ass. I joined a fucking cult to get over the guilt. a cult y'all.
and yet.
we would have just been a good team maybe.
I don't know. I can't see it anymore. I think he's much happier than he would be with me now. of course. but I know he loved me, and I know definitely that it was me that ended it.
would I have stopped it if I could? god in five million heavens I would have stopped the cruelty - the way it happened - the evil bullshit that was so delusional and selfish that I pulled.
but if I'm honest, he was good for me. He'd be good for anyone. we'd be the best of friends. we were best friends. I get him. but I'm just not sure. maybe it was actually for the best - even for me. wow. I'll sit in that.
now fucking Andrew? before my heart beats next, I can tell you I wish that I had followed my instinct on that turd ass.
but when I met mark, I remember saying the nicest thing to him/me, "wow. every shitty horrible thing that ever happened to me, I'm ok with it - because if it hadn't happened exactly as it did, I would never have met you."
I was so in love.
I was so smug.
I had found him.
and then I lost my fucking marbles.
and am still picking them up my loves. maybe I don't want to play marbles.
and I'm sure it's all good and I'm sure I'm not the most miserable cursed wretch on planet earth - in fact I know I'm not because I passed the most miserable wretch walking down the road yesterday evening after buying licorice at the fresh market... limping down the road poor as shit walking away from the hospital - one can read that story.
but if you know me, you know I fucking hate that shit: you should be happy kristen - at least you're not a quadriplegic with itchy skin. I hate being ....
but I'm here. I know I'm not going to kill myself. I looked at fucking bumble and wrote some of the dipshits back, and I thought noel was one of the dipshits before and I've lost my mind of men many many times.
I'll get through this.
but I'm fucking pissed about it.
it didn't have to be this way.
noel was fucking rude.
|
