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She woke up at three in the morning - maybe it was closer to four - and was exhaustedly pissed. She was thinking about him again when she should be over this shit and on to new things like shopping and going to the gym and volunteering for cats and homeless and joining a liberal church.
Instead, she was typing into some evil feedback looping robot, "I just don't understand. why do I still think about him? why am I still so mad and hurt?"
Who remembers what it said back to her. It was always around the same thing: something affirming and then how she was correct to be so confused. oh yeah, she had specifically been pissed last night because he had never complimented her. Wouldn't even a player who was using her for sex at least throw a little bit of a chew toy at her? "you're hot."
Instead, it was "I'm here bitch. do the math."
and that just wasn't enough.
She had an ego as healthy as his. he probably would have loved it if she had been the same as him - being all cold and withholding but present. It likely would have been a fucking aphrodesiac "look, someone's ignoring me! I must try harder."
Instead, that had been her humiliating role. the worst part is that she even missed the bullshit shallow. just being with someone... who she liked.
another one answered, "But I LIKE YOU! I want to fuck you all the time. I just had my shot. All I want to do is please you. Why won't you let me."
She didn't know how to answer, maybe, "you were an anomaly. I'd never fucked anyone I thought didn't have a future with me. I was lonely. I loved the attention. then it began to sicken me. I'm not built for just fucking."
"but I love you. I don't want to just fuck you."
"I know. I'm sorry. I'm flattered. I'm honored. I'm gone."
so little made her cry nowadays - mostly just frustration at everything - the cats especially - and how to get out of it and how to get the fucking bushes trimmed before her step dad came and bitched about her not doing things. and she needed a maid. wanted a maid. but she'd likely be too embarrassed to throw money at that when she worked from home and spent the majority of her time just scrolling and lamenting and not even dreaming anymore - just existing. and hoping something would change in the few things she made herself do: historic and books and plants. oh my.
and it was cooler. she was about to go to a Telehealth appointment to her Russian therapist. it was a chore. It wasn't like there was all the time in the world - like with a friend who cared - who she could say something like,"Gott im Himmel Frau, I have nothing to complain about. I'm so fucking blessed and fine. Last night though - for the fiftieth time, I got pissed at my mother for modeling that men were everything, and I got pissed at myself for knowing I had bought that line. paid so heavily, but that I have zero point zero clue how to get myself out of the trap except self-isolate and pretend. I'm the only human in my entire family who has been alone - partner-less - for longer than six months, and I've done it for years. Not on purpose, but because I was in exile - am in exile? now I'm afraid of death. I'm afraid of being alone, but no one ever knows because I'm only a pain in the ass when I get triggered by loving someone because the only person I ever trusted as a child - well, they both raped children. it sucks. but it also sucks to be alone, and I tried so hard just to take someone who loved me and not complain, but then I ended up in the most contempt of my life. I still hate my second husband. his first wife said I would eventually pity him. I'm not there yet. he still gets my goat, and what can you do for me."
"is your medication working? do you sleep?"
"I'm numb"
"well, that's better than wanting to die."
"sure."
Her stomach was so cramped. she was afraid she was about to bleed again, but afraid wasn't really the right word.
she was just so pissed that this was all it was. her sitting inside her head - getting paid - and grateful for it - to please people and trying so hard to not think so much.
"maybe you really should join a gym."
"fuck you."
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