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she knew there was a band that had almost named themselves on a Sunday or something. maybe it was Radiohead.
she knew so much. she knew about king Tut's dad who wanted to change the entire pantheon to sun worship - unite them under one god instead of the hundreds of minor ones. It hadn't worked. The elite don't like to share. the ole "got mine. fuck you". she was very aware.
She had sent a bitchy jab to her mother wondering if she would even get it. she replied to the group text to her sister, "you have given them an excellent life. good job." in essence if the math has to be done, it meant, "you gave us a shit life and our step dad isn't even leaving us any of your money. thanks cunt."
and she was amazed at how a mother could be like her mother. all her friends were so fucking obsessed with their spawn and what they thought and what they wanted and how they loved. her mom had commented just two days ago, "I didn't know you liked mystery books. I thought it was just Merri"
as in what the fuck? Narcissi had just finished the newest travis McGee re-read in less than twenty hours. it was so fun to be in his world: smart, competent, lusty, sensitive, and caring so much about the environment. She kind of wished she would show her the mystery she had written "macon mysteries" where the mother was an idiotic conniving pill addict. (but she had made herself just as macabre - to be fair).
it was so weird to be just tolerated and not known by her family. it didn't quite make sense. but it explained a great deal about her depression and rage.
on the morning walk, she thought again about her life - what else was there to ponder - and agreed yet again that it was such a terrible and heavy cost to jettison spouse dos, but god in all heavens, it had been so welcome and a gift. she could imagine being there with him now - acting - waiting for him to get out of the house by some way she could orchestrate or to get him to play his video games
she just yelled at the cat she didn't want - she didn't want any of them, but this one the one that had to stay inside because it was male and it got bite marks if she let it out and she didn't want to either have to ignore it or pay a thousand dollars to get it fixed up. she had named it a new name today: mr. Leon Dobbins - Dobby as a nickname. it felt nice to have Leon be like her blond baboon - the thing that reminded her that she could never be loved - even by a tribe member.
oh well.
she yelled again at the cat like she was going to hell, "fuck you. shut the fuck up. you're either demanding something from me or asleep. why the fuck do I have to do this. no one appreciates it - no one. not even you. I'm just fucking used and disappointing. fuck that. I can't wait until it's 12:30. I'm going to get the fuck out of this fucking house and get the fuck away from you and fucking be somewhere else and feel like shit that I'm such a fucking asshole."
the neighbors were hosting a post-church hootenanny - just without the music unfortunately.
and her mom kept pushing church on her - would even look up churches in macon. narcissi said the same thing every time, "I just feel like it's silly. like I'm a fraud and we're all in this mass play where we all know the right words to say but we're really just looking to not be alone and to be able to feel a tiny bit better than the others - the ones not us. Maybe if it was still in Latin. I just can't do it. it's not the same as it was for you. I don't have lovely members of my intact family attending church and going for Sunday drives after eating some fried chicken from the S&S cafeteria. you gave me a really really shitty childhood, but I could never say it out loud because I had it better than your other two. I guess."
she wishes she were like them though - could just filter shit out and play the game. she wishes she could have kept him at least interested in ... something.
it was football weather
he had his religion.
she had a keyboard.
she kind of wished she could just sleep all the time now. but she'd already tried. it was worse to toss and turn.
zzzzzz
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