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"It's not my fault!"
they were arguing in a fancy hotel in a rich person's playground in highlands, nc. he had mentioned he got married around here. She had just woken up pissed he wouldn't snuggle or touch her. She was hungover, "why don't you fuck me. I like you more than you like me."
"I fucked you last night. and It's NOT MY FAULT!"
she flooded at that not knowing what to say. She didn't think there was a fault in it - or a blame. but she could have written about fifteen kinder answers. She could have said.
"what does that mean? I wasn't blaming you. or maybe I was, but it just felt hard. I don't know if you noticed, but I was up all night crying a bit - being around my family without my brother. he's the only one I feel safe with. the rest, it's just so hard for me. not to be technical or fuck you - but you're all avoidants except for my nieces, and I'm the opposite. I am so shit with boundaries. All I thought last night was how everyone says they love me and gives me support, but no one cares that I'm writing about them right now. no one likes me. so you caught me in this really sensitive time. I drink too much. I cry. I don't see my stepfather very often. He is a sub for a dad - a disappointed dad. It sucks to be thought of as apologizing for your existence. I've been a real brat in the past, but I could also say 'it's not my fault. Sorry I invited you, but thanks for coming.'"
He was putting his shoes on in the teal wingback chair next to the record player with the bowie album. The room was so close and packed - not even a closet.
"well, I'm going to go get coffee. do you want any?"
"well, I am addicted, so that would be a yes."
and she didn't add "thanks so much for listening asshole."
it wasn't his fault. he couldn't provide safety or comfort. she shouldn't need it.
Instead of crying, she just got angry and yelled at the fancy shower for being so shit with fucked up temperature controls and low pressure. It didn't really help.
He returned with the coffees. "I forgot how you take it. I put cream in it."
It was OK maybe. She had forgotten he had fucked her. She looked at him and took the coffee from the tray. "Luckily for you, I like it all ways."
of course she was sad - not bereft but sad - that he didn't know her coffee preference. she looked at that as a sign of love. She knew the coffee preferences of everyone in her family. Terry liked it black. Mother liked tons and tons of cream. Billy liked cream and sugar. Merri liked fat free flavored cream. God knows she knew Leon's order. She had made it every fucking weekend for over five months.
"We're supposed to meet my sister for a morning walk if you want to go."
"sure."
but they were too late. her sister had already headed out with her perfect twin daughters and their perfect expensive dogs - well one of them was a biter.
Narcissi was fucking angry though. It hid the hurt. It was so much easier than the hurt and the raging hangover was great fuel.
they walked in the mountains, over the stream. sat on a bench. he liked to sit on benches - was the only person she knew who ever sat on the path benches.
They came to a clearing. it was a short hike. There was a gas station. She had never done this before but she said, "I didn't bring any money. did you?"
he didn't smile. "of course"
"can I have some? I want to buy a gatorade. Do you want anything?"
"no, but I'm hungry." It took a bit of trust, but she bought it and gave him the receipt.
"OK. hopefully that will help. Green gatorade was always my college hangover cure. I haven't had a hangover in recent memory. wow. this sucks. I think I could eat sushi. I wonder if there's a place."
He whipped out his phone. He was such a good companion. "there's one this way about four blocks."
"you're awesome. I'll pay you back."
He smirked.
They ate and to help conversation she suggested they pick out which of the ugly art pieces they would choose with a gun to their head.
They picked different ones, but she respected his choice - oh son of artists.
They got back to the hotel room, and she knew it was all different. "Let's skip the brunch and just head home. I'll tell them you had to get back for your kids."
He answered, "sure. actually Joel got in some trouble last night. My ex texted me. he passed out on a friend's sofa and didn't come home. I'm going to have to have a talk with him."
She tried not to be puzzled why he wouldn't have told her this earlier, but fuck it.
fuck it all.
so, they head down the mountain back to the classic city. He told her he was going to take a route that was slightly longer due to better scenery. she loved that about him.
"could you get those cookies out of the back seat."
She had made them. they kept getting worse and worse like the biscuits. she kept thinking she could wing the recipe and save on cleaning up dishes.
He didn't ask her to DJ on the return trip - not after that Jayne's Addiction mistake with "mountain song".
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