I was going to quit smoking today. I am angry at the cigarettes as they just are stupid and stupider.
But then, I was so angry and coursing with pent-up untraceable as to the source rage. I bought a pack of smokes. They were out of my 'usual' orange, so appropriately, I had to go red.
I am starting a job tomorrow.
After nigh three years of solitude and silliness, it is here. I got the offer an hour after my second interview on friday.
What the hell.
So it begins. Fuck.
I also decided that I'm not in love.
I have decided that I most assuredly have turned this probable smarmy dumbass into the 'this one'.
It saddens me, and this angers me.
Honestly, I only knew dumbass for perhaps five hours. I thought I saw the thing that I see in my soulmates in him, but I was mistaken. Again, my judgment - upon which my entire confidence resides - has been shaken.
I was wrong. This saddens me.
It would be nice to have someone tell me that I am amazing. It would be quite fun to make love to someone that I am fascinated with.
Cheating on my husband it would officially be, but this is all a matter of semantics. How could I cheat on an ending at this point?
This makes me angry.
It makes me angry that I hurt mark. It makes me angry that I don't get to be loved. It makes me angry that all of this is hard. It makes me angry that my friends know nothing of how I feel. I decided today that I have chosen people to be my friends who are either hopelessly in unrequited love with themselves or have a wall against those scary, painful things called communication and emotions.
I am sure this is merely a spew. Don't we all think that we are the only one who cares about others and it's never turned to us?