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Things I Would Do If I Were an Eccentric Millionaire
I often imagine how amazing it would be if I had millions of dollars. Of course, there are all the usual reasons one thinks it would be great, like not having a job (sort of like right now, only on purpose). But then what do you do with all that free time? I like to imagine all the fun, subversive things I'd do to waste that time. So here then is a list of things I would do if I had millions of dollars…

1) Go to job interviews and actually do the things you always joke about doing at job interviews. For example, when they ask for your salary requirements, say "More than YOU make, that's for sure", then stand up and flip the interviewer's desk over, sending paper and office supplies flying everywhere, followed by a shout of, "AM I RIGHT PEOPLE?!" with both arms thrust into the air.

2) I'd start my own radio station for one reason and one reason only: to name it WHIF. This would involve requiring the DJ's to ID the station by saying in a forced whisper, "Catch the whiff!". They could play whatever the hell they want to on the air. I just wanna hear that phrase spoken repeatedly on the radio. So like every week I'd walk in and spend an hour or two recording some fresh "image logos" as they're known in the biz, and just hand ‘em to whoever's on the air and say, "Here, add these to rotation, would ya?" and walk out. Then I'd get in my car and turn on the station to hear my new logos that say stuff like, "The whiff of New York City". Then I'd smile to myself before going home to set things on fire in my bathroom sink.

3) I'd write and shoot my own television commercials, then put'em on the air. They would look, for all intents and purposes, like ordinary commercials. The difference would be apparent at the end, when you realize the spot you just saw never pushed any particular product on you. It would go something like this…

"Hey Bob, how's the new teaching job?"
"Well Renaldo, it's going great, but I just can't seem to stop these pounding headaches"
"Yeah, I know what you mean. But you know what? I went to the doctor the other day and he told me about an amazing new drug that stops itching fast! Too bad it can't help you and your headaches"
"Yeah, no kidding. Say, what are you doing for dinner?"
"Oh, I thought I'd stop by Barnes & Noble and try to pick up girls in the magazine section. Wanna come with?
"Um, yeah, I guess. Can I bring my son and give him a few pointers? My fear is that he might be gay, so I'm doing everything in my power to try and convince him of the errors of his ways"
"Oh sure, that'd be excellent! We can take my van. Let me clean the blood out of the back first"
(cut to a product shot of a half-empty jar of nothing in particular in the foreground, while out of focus in the back we see the guy hosing out the back of his van. No voiceover. No music. Nothing)

4) Panhandle in a tuxedo while surrounded by sequined showgirls.

5) Strongarm the appropriate people into making 'human pyramids' an Olympic sport.

6) Finally get around to shooting some 'disapporno', which is porn where the people never get around to doing it. The viewer won't realize this until after they've already wasted 20 minutes sitting through the lame plot and pre-sex build up. Then, just as things start gettin' steamy, the phone would ring and it would be the girl's mom, and she'd be on the phone for 40 minutes while the cameras keep rolling and flacidity rolls back into town! Or the guy would remember that he left his wallet at work and would run off to get it while the camera keeps rolling on the girl as she lies in bed and reads a magazine (pref. Redbook) while the sexy porn music still plays in the background.

I know there are more things I'd like to do with my millionaire freetime, but for now, I got temp work to do. I'll write back when they quit shoving stupid work in my face.


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