Film and Television Rights: The Internet Sucks

The Internet sucks because little Joe Mande was brutalized by the big kids and jocks in the public schools of suburban Minnesota. Sexless, tiny, braces, and chronic diarrhea, lawyer parents always prosecuting a trial. The bitterness and vitriol festered. He went to Emerson college, became a comedian, found his outlet, and moved to the Williamsburg neighborhood of Brooklyn sometime in the 00s. Taking a page out of a well-known handbook, to exact revenge he started a Tumblr he updated daily, (I won't say it, it's a cruel name), to make fun of what he perceived as the popular kids around him, the kids who went to parties, that had sex. The site itself became popular, and to his dismay it was much loved by the jocks and the frat boys enraged by anything outside the status quo, threatened by anyone sexually ambiguous or weak or small, angered at any pretense or aspiration, anyone, really, like Joe Mande. And the ridicule reached a fever pitch. And a book followed that is now sold at Urban Outfitters.

The Internet sucks because too much porn will make you weird and creepy. The Internet sucks because once seen it can't be unseen.

The Internet sucks because we have generations of smirkers and sniggering jagoffs. Or more than we had before, certainly.

There are more reasons why the Internet sucks. One of those reasons the Internet sucks is because I don't want to know why the Internet sucks, but I do.

The Internet sucks because we know more about the people around us, even with a passing, casual interest in their lives, we know them, we know their intimate details, but we don't know anyone, and we are more alone, more than ever before in the history of the world, and that is why the Internet sucks.

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