Film and Television Rights: 25 Things About You

1) You eat and sleep and excrete and wake, (hopefully not in that order) or are in a comatose state, which is neither sleeping or waking, or perhaps living in Idaho.

2) One day you will die and no matter what you may imagine, you cannot conceive the experience of dying, which sucks for you, but you hope for the best. Good luck with that.

3) You think about dying every day, consciously or not, just as you think of sex. One is not wanting to, the other is. If these two things are too intertwined and confused, well, sorry, but you're a serial killer.

4) You enjoy sex or the idea of sex, or at some point did, or will. Again, if this is confusing, sorry, see number 3 above.

5) You love someone.

6) You've stepped in gum.

7) You have no clue how anyone really sees you--how you look, walk, talk, stand, your sophistication, intelligence (or lack)--nothing--no idea--and if you have an idea, you're mistaken. (Unless you're on fire, then people would refer to you as "that person on fire.")

8) You are not nearly as opaque and mysterious and impossible to understand as you imagine--this is not a bad thing. In fact, you're easy to read.

9) You are cruel and generous and petty and noble.

10) There are things you've done that were stupid and you regret them.

11) You've experienced grace, and wish you could repeat it at will, but if you could it would probably be false, and you'd lose everything to the dealer or the criminal justice system, so you watch baseball or figure skating or old movies instead.

12) There is plenty you don't understand.

13) You imagine the world would be better if people thought as you think, but oddly, they mostly do.

14) You belong to a family or a group or a tribe, a community, no matter if you claim them or not.

15) You're not better than anyone else, except you may obviously be a better squash player or public speaker or dishwasher, but in that case, there's probably someone out there better than you, unless you hold the world's record, but records are often contested with arguments such as wind conditions, humidity, length of batting season, corrupt judges, etc. If you hold the undisputed world's record in something no one does anymore, okay, well, you're the best at that, but who cares, no one does it anymore. Just say you're no better than anyone, then you get to say no one's better than you.

16) You've lost something; you stole something; you bought something; you've given a gift; you've made something, you've destroyed something. If all of those things were actually the same thing, it would be a hilarious caper flick.

17) You like the way the sun feels on your face. If you don't have a face, but can hear, then you enjoy the sound of rain. If you can't hear and don't have a face, then you enjoy the feel of light droplets of rain on your arm on a hot day when the sun is also shining on your arm.

18) If the sun is shining and it's raining (on your arm or not), there is a folklore expression for that occurrence common to your locale. All these various sun shining and raining at the same time folklore expressions more than likely have a common ancestor.

19) Sometimes you sing. The long dead person who first said the thing about sun shining and raining at the same time probably sang too.

20) You're violent. No one better mess with you. Watch out if they do.

21) You judge people seconds after meeting them.

22) You can change your mind about anything or anyone, except that one thing which you are totally stubborn and adamant about, which is best kept to yourself, as it makes you look like an idiot.

23) There is a place you love, that makes you feel safe and at home, even if you've never had a home, even if you don't want a home, and prefer to call it something else--like a bar, a Chevy pickup, or Idaho.

24) Someone loves you. (Someone also hates you, but it's only because they don't know you or they're jealous, or maybe you stole or destroyed their thing. You can be nice to them and they'll still hate you. If you can, be nice, it lessens the chance of even more people hating you. But overall, don't worry too much about it because someone loves you. However, if the same person loves and hates you, well, see number 3 above).

25) You make things more difficult for yourself than they need to be. This is to entertain yourself. Give boredom a chance, because more than likely, you'll find something to do. You can start by making a list.

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