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I can't wait to have enough money for fuck you money. I used to have it thanks to my first spouse who I've now idolized compared to my shitty second spouse. There, I just outed him to no one that he's a wife beater. Fuck him.
Although I don't QUITE have fuck you money, nor am I sure this is a clause with my company, but I finally found a way to maybe get something besides "help me" and begging money. There's a clause to get money if you've been hit. It's been humiliating I'll tell you, but what need does a shitty person like me have for a healthy ego eh? I should probably have killed myself long ago, yet I just didn't have the guts and now I know. I'm here. It startles and hurts so much to be here for me that I often numb the fuck out of every feeling I have just so I can try and not fly apart. It's been an age-old pattern for me. Alcohol was the first numb-er, but pot does so much better. In fact, I wish I could be the person I am on pot all the time. The things I like about that person is that she doesn't care what you think of her. She is content inside her own skin. She is not just a reaction to you. It's hard to explain, yet one day maybe I'll find someone who actually wanted to know who I was instead of whatever it was I had.
Finding out who you are. Last night, for the first time in memory for six months, I had Andrew in the dream and instead of being obsequious to him as I have been and how I sort of was in the marriage; I stood up to him. I said "don't you ever regret not calling an ambulance." This was huge because it meant that I blamed him instead of taking 100% of all of it onto myself as I usually do after I have rage spews.
Grace was in the dream too. She was trying to get me to babysit by pretending it would be fun. I was like "it's a favor to you. stop trying to be a manipulator". hello pot. I'm kettle.
And then taking things from the house and then Andrew telling me I could give the gold coin to the little girl, and I was like "FUCK YOU. do you have any idea how on the edge I am with money you asshole? if that gold coin comes into my hands, it's coming into my bank to pay off the debt I got in trying to find SOMEONE to make you accountable - paying money for SOMEONE to believe me."
nobody
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