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when you've been physically beaten by someone in a drawn out manner - or even anything - when punched in the head in your sleep, tackled to the ground just the once, bruises on your arm from being forcefully grabbed; you really really go to a place. For me, it was complete terror backed into the corner fight because flight and freeze were taken.
and then later you think, 'god, was I a lot. god, I'm sorry I'm me. there's so much reason for someone to want to beat me. I totally get that." and you sincerely apologize for your part of the mess and usually go into a shame cave that serves no one but your own ego "I'm the world leader pretend, and I will be the one to knock it down" so to speak.
yet then later later you think, what the fuck beating me? he's the last person that has the "right" to beat me - get in line. Yet I know I go on a lot about this, yet it was definitely the most physical wake up call I've ever received. And of course the marriage was doneski the moment of the second beating that night.
the second man I married was so beautiful on paper - he was fucking smart (book smart), adored me (later I learned it was more limerence), and had a bitchin' last name. Much like that weird whisper with #1 that I said in my head "this is a stepping stone, and this man is your fate". (I think I told you when I first saw MG, I said to KG, "dude, I'm going to marry that man."). and dude dude dude I "deserved" about twenty-million beatings for the bullshit mayhem I invoked on that mofo's life... with asshat Andrea, I said in my whisper head "this one would be useful - I'd definitely take that name."
I'm sure you don't know my last name now, but it's cool to me. It's a name that means fist and celebration. It's also more famous for selling your soul to the devil in exchange for temporary succor. As you might imagine, I fookin loved it! couldn't wait to take the name and rebrand myself - what a hoot - and a stepmom to boot - I was set for life. I had a man...
and now every day I try and forget or do something with the pain that I was a diagnosed crazy people, yet I didn't at the time particularly embrace the TYPE of crazy that I also am - I limited myself to just one type of crazy. Now, I have to be accountable. The biggest mistake I made was SELLING MYSELF to get someone to love me. It was BIZARRELY unproductive. What superhero could act in a role forever and ever without any outburst of suppressed .... me? So I was willing to act forever and ever happily boringly ever after. Instead of wanting that fame and giving a shit bout anything - I was going to contentedly settle for a shitty ass wimp who NEVER talked to me and when I talked wished I would shut the fuck up (with his eyes and manner of course cause dude talked with his FISTS).
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