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I was kept alive by having to keep pawpadz alive. one of my biggest laments was that I did not leave her with my parents after I had already left her while I had joined the penance cult? but in my head, I had made a promise, and I had had a responsibility. So, I drugged her the day after I saw her at my parent's house. What a terrible thing to do to her I see now, and it was horrific. From cat paradise to cramped hole. I'm sure she had no idea. She was my first pet. I had never meant to be a single pet owner. I had thought I was poor. I was living in a poor mindset, and I didn't take her to the vet. I had had some thought in my head that mark and I had made a promise not to take them to the vet unless something was wrong so as to save money I suppose, yet that can't be true because he cared and vet-ed his pets like a champ. Andrew didn't.
Andrew didn't do anything independently.
I'm stopping to weep this morning because I'm telling you the time I let Andrew in.
and I'm sobbing like an animal because I only know the end now.
I used to go to his house a lot and leave her alone. it was terrible. I had and still went and saw her for lunch and we cuddled and she sat in my lap. may god and pawpadz forgive me. it was a terrible time in my life. I may have died without her. When I came out of the vet after having them end her life to end her suffering/pain, I knew my life was completely different. I even called mark from the vet's room. Instead of treating her like a being needing my more constant interaction, I treated her like a given - an always there - a gentle lover who always loved me.
I had just started dating Andrew at the time. he was a super fervent texter.
everyone on the planet of earth knew I loved that cat. that beautiful grey creature. a part of me died that day too. an old life died.
my friends that I had all organized drinks at the place on grand avenue by the lake we used to go. it was so kind.
Andrew texted some drivel, and I texted back.
"my cat just died."
and I'll tell you one thing I don't credit but always say - pawpadz drove me into Andrew's arms. Her death, made me open to him in a way I wouldn't have otherwise allowed. it was different that time that he did the exact same thing "you're a good person" when I told him about my dad and what I'd seared. It was more
hollow.
Kent's dog died on the ides of march. it wasn't named ceaser, but it made me thing of edith and how she's my world and how Florida will test her.
stopping now to have her sit on my lap.
and now she is done. I can only take so much.
my thorax starts to go numb.
and the problem with Padz is I was ignorant.
I was extraordinarily stupid . like now.
since I heard about Kent's dog, edith has been precious as does time.
There's a madman lying on a mattress across the street on the sidewalk.
how many in this over-crowded
assylum
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