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I just don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it nor do I feel any safety nor strategize any safety in any of the current paths, yet god knows I will take the path I deem the safest. it fucking killed me to see a clawfoot tub four blocks away from me $500 cheaper abode. fucking floored me.
acceptance and commitment therapy kristen. acceptance and commitment . acceptance is the birthplace of change.
I'm in a fucking lease. I did the best I fookin could and now I'm trajectorying home afore the shield doors close.
but
I
can't
see
it
being
any different than the last time I left California after a divorce and went and lived in Georgia and listened to Radiohead's 'nude' on repeat. To my shame, I don't even remember my cat being in my life. I only figured "she must have been there" not that I have any memories. I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooo fried after leaving LA. it was the chance I gave myself - the chance in the world - to become a writer. Because one of my lovers had been a big screenwriter, I tried the same. So, I had thought I told you this already, but if our time ended in LA, you don't know the story. I bought loads of furniture from goodwills and it was all awesome. I had a beige sectional sofa and a glass top desk. I had had help from everyone. Then, I realized I was dipping into my capital too quickly and moved. I don't even remember how, but my brother must have helped me god... why don't I remember things.
The only thing I recall from that time is smoking a pack a day of American spirit organics, calling mark on the phone - my best friend who I had cheated on horribly and all but still and crazily I clung to him. He was kinder than kind. We didn't talk all the time every day but he was my stability - my reality. Looking back, what a cruel bitch. Yet, perhaps I am harsher on myself than you would be. Maybe I'm not harsh enough.
so I was in fucking Georgia. I was a mess. I joined a cult. I moved back to California as a novice. it was terrible and the cult leader wore purple robes and schizomed with the other leader - they both being Jungian therapists. I ended up not liking it because he was adamant judas would never be forgiven by Jesus and wouldn't let us deviate from Welch's grape juice on fast days.
So, I'm wary of Georgia. very wary.
and my parents live there and my aunt and some semi-cousins...
just as alone here as there - may as well be cheaper? yet the instability of it all - having to move by myself again - spend all that money again - dissolve and disperse all my possessions (did you know those pods you see in the road cost $6k). my go fund me had bart and Karen. how wonderful and random.
and no direction known
like a complete unknown
well, it feels like shit bob
since yew asked
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