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she sat stunned in her smock yellow housedress.
her mother had driven away.
Narcissi was due for a big cry, and so far it kept fading back.
The hardest part was the never-ending hum of anxiety she couldn't regulate properly. If only she hadn't lost her last clonipan in Ireland - if only the new insurance...woulda coulda shoulda.
there were times the woman drove her out of her mind.
Or was it more that Narcissi was deprived of her coping rituals.
She wished more than anything she could have
relaxed.
She was going to take a walk.
before it got too hot.
it had been the hottest days of the year.
her mom used to walk all the time.
Now she was ancient
now she was vulnerable.
now she was fading
now she was tick-tocking towards the inevitable.
it maddened narcissi.
yet, right there before her
the object of her entire worship,
and she couldn't hug her. she couldn't tell her she didn't want her for her money.
she wanted her for something so much more primal.
she wanted her to look at her broken
too sensitive
too much
too failure
daughter and say
"you're worthy of all the love in the world,
and I will live the rest of my days loving you and into the next whatever comes.
I'm so proud of you for just being - for just existing. I'm so sorry you can't see that I think you're so amazing and gorgeous and kind and empathetic and caring and loving. I think you would be the most amazing person to spend the rest of my life entwined with. I love you so much, and I want you to see it and know it before I die"
"but mother, I might die in the next five minutes. None of us are guaranteed."
"god you're weird. I love it."
x
She blew kisses as she watered the plants and her mother drove away in the black car like her dad always had towards the country roads home.
the daughter sobbed.
sweetness follows.
"what will you do after I'm gone? do a dance?"
She didn't know how to tell the mother. but she tried.
"I do like my alone time, and I'm going to miss you so much. I'm going to cry, and I'm going to write about this. I'm sure I'll think of a million ways I could have done better by you and been a better person. I'm sorry I'm so anxious. It comes from me wanting to please you - you specifically - more than any human being that has ever lived on this planet. I want so much for you to not be disappointed in me or think that I'm horrible and not worthy of the time in your beloved womb."
"you're so dramatic."
"I'm sure I get that from my father."
x
I love you mommy.
macon loved you too.
I'll always remember our visit.
I have a baseball.
don't ever leave me.
I don't know what I'd do.
please stay with me forever and never die.
and let's dance. and laugh more...
x
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