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"here we are now. entertain U.S."
She's eating breakfast with an old friend - the person who set her up with my stepdad in fact. I missed you last night. It was the first time I thought about you. I was going to run to the keyboard and tap tap tap my every thought, yet instead I listened to music and fell asleep. In my pre-bed pee (unlike me, my mum leaves her door open all the time), I glimpsed at her purposefully and saw her sitting on the bed - sitting on the side of the bed - where she had been the last time I saw her. Praying into her phone.
This morning, we were both rather happy. Only one more morning to go. She's as tired of it as I am.
Now, it's going to be Thursday.
Is there enough alcohol? Is there enough pot? Is there enough intimacy?
What is wrong with
this
daughter
Why can't she feel things and be a nice human.
ha! look at me diving into third person on this one - sure.
Her favorite part was when her mother sent her back before church to put on more eye makeup.
the daughter mocked, "for God of course."
and assiduously performed rite of darkening the line above and below the oval of the iris and slathering on darker eye shadow and mascara-ing the brows. It was interesting. She recognized that it wasn't necessarily traditional beauty for her to hop out of the house with out more than just the undereye concealer and lipstick.
More was needed.
Now.
Life is so weird.
more style?
more wisdom?
She cuts her own hair a lot. It's something she's done all her modern life.
She wonders why she and her mother can't sit in a silent room without going "tick tock. tick tock" tick tock.
She wonders why it's so much easier to "hang" with boy humans. It's got to be something about the feeling of safety. With the boy humans, it feels like you know where they stand.
It's got to be something about control.
"it's been a long long long time since I've been in the same room with someone and been completely sober and not been self-conscious of what they're thinking about me. It's been a long time since I've felt comfortable."
She wonders if her stepfather feels scared of having her mother come back home. He seemed mad at her in his silent way.
Narcissi was saddened by the looming prospect of more time with her mother, but she was both stoic about it and "game on". Her mother had exhibited the most feisty tendencies with her. She was reminded at how stubborn her mother was.
She loved the mother so much the moment the mother was out of view.
They discussed men a lot. It was the doorway in their family: marry up
"I keep saying it - almost ad nauseam nauseum but I am sort of reconciled to being alone. I think I'm kind of a hard sell."
"but you're not. You are just as crazy as a lot of other very married people."
"it's a hard thing to knowingly go into."
"but you've said that sex without the love is ..."
"lonely. it feels like the threeway with the god you're looking for to be the Holy Spirit is missing and replaced by raw, mechanical need for touch."
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