|
I never ever thought I would die alone and poor - the biggest fear. I thought I would die of suicidal tendencies before I was 40. Like I've confessed, I've used the men for external validation/emotional-regulation since I knew such a thing existed. Such an experience was possible.
I've never felt it with women because I don't really - well, I don't - open myself up to making love with women. That would be a surrender of overcoming something in my childhood I still hold and want to release: women are betrayers and dangerous - men are controlled by their desire of you.
Like you might imagine, it's bizarre going from "hot" to what they always promised: invisible. The external validation portal left with #2.
I still hold to the theory that one of the reasons #2 limerenced with me so damn hard was due to the Cialis. I was the first human he experienced that drug with, and I'm pretty sure I'd make a fabulous courtesan. Or would have. Now, my market would be - would have to be - someone fascinated with my inside world. What I have to offer is acres of solitude with which to hide from the world within.
So, I'm realizing that I may well not find a mate in this lifetime. Every time I picture #3, I collapse... and to get there, you always see the boring conversation. With #2, it was like performing monologues. And I miss the stability and the not dying alone and poor part.
|
