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I don't know how it gets triggered.
Well, just now it got triggered by a photo of delenn and Sheridan on my reddit feed - saying goodbye to each other "you've always been the brightest star..."
You feel it too though right? I'm not alone? but that is indeed the feeling the fear - it makes me sort of wet even typing it out - but that feeling that you are indeed totally alone and this is all a construct and you're really in a bottle inside a bottle inside a bottle.- a la "I dream of jeannie" or the TARDIS. The feeling I get is panic - one of profound empty loneliness within a game. It's claustrophobic, and you feel almost like you can't breathe it's all so overwhelming and you wonder if you've been placed here hidden to keep from going into chaos....
Obviously, I try and keep that void out as much as possible.
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She woke with kind of anger - the orange thing had turned from something cute to something that woke her at - checks her phone "3:33am". If anger is truly a secondary emotion, she awoke with fear/hurt. She stumbled up later - maybe five forty. she was always annoyed getting up before the birds, yet the fekkin cat twould have none of it. She stumbled out of bed headed for the kitchen pouring her self a cup of .... fuck she spilled the psychotropic medications she took to stave off the void. ... really to be able to hang with you. It made her sort of fascinated and confused on the reddit posts when there was a call to "tell us your medications" and none had her combo. it made no sense really, and she really really liked it when things made sense. She seemed like a manic pixie, yet she loved geometric proofs. She loved the thought that it fit - that it was ...
and what was it even based on. Are we really here much like mayflies but with annoying destructive on a dominion-wide basis. she was so tired of fucking fucking fucking. she wanted to come in someone's mind. She wanted to feel ...
sure, what she's had before. but those people still have hard-wired hookups to her head - just dormant spikes.
So she gamboled and she flanneured and she wept and she breathed and she sat and she thought and she was so grateful for the perfect black cashmere sweater she owned. she was so grateful to have capital. yesterday, fear had come into her as far as a tax bill. it was hard to justify anything.
She was deciding to build a new cocoon at the same time as feeling into why ....
She loved that Vonnegut quote and she loved that he wasn't the greatest of writers without a fucking great editor.
Today, she was supposed to go do something with the fourth professor, but she was hoping she could put that shit off until maybe Sunday. it was hard because short, fat professor talked about seeing her for her birthday - which was six months away - and why would that ... it was just sex. she didn't crave his company. it was sex and she was so so so so so so so so so so so so so lonely that she sold her body for someone to pretend to be nice to her. attention.
She wanted someone local. now she had two blokes. she wanted ... dudes the same thing she said before bonfires, honeymeade, laughter, passion, dancing, music, fireflies, lovemaking forever ....and now the meal would be turnip greens, black-eyed peas, tomato and cucumber salad, fried okra, mashed potatoes and cornbread with sweet iced tea....fuck, she can't stop the urge to merge....
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