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solstice: I Will Fall in Love With You | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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›comments[0] ›all comments ›post #707 ›bio: kristen ›perma-link ›9/3/2025 ›16:06 ›archives ›first post ›that week
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If I'm already not, I'm falling in love with you and want to revel in your potential. Unlike me, you rarely repeat your stories, and if you do - you correct yourself. You pay attention to things that I've said and show you've thought about them from later conversations. I can count on you to recognize that something was different the last time I told it. You never ask me questions about myself, and that confuses me - however, I'm also accepting of the fact that I probably like you much more than you like me. I'm sure you will remember the way I play poker: "I have a very boring time gambling of any sort. I always just look at it as voluntary tax and get it over with as soon as possible. For instance, I love going 'nolo' in spades and all-in in poker. I love a dramatic win, and always am prepared to lose." "oh." I guess we won't be playing poker together much. Today is our anniversary. This time, two whole moons ago, I was nervously waiting for the starter to be replaced on my beater car so I could travel to the land of my birth - my second birth - Athens, ga. I pretended that you were just an afterthought. It made it all much easier to digest. My favorite part was how easy it all came together after you patiently asked me on the bee if my dance card was free. I had pretty much ignored you thinking that it was all just empty bullshit. Even when I review what I wrote you back, it showed that I was just lobbing balls back from your thrusts. You were much more romantic on the bee and falsely advertised yourself as a cliche. It was a gift to me that you got delayed by fires and trains. I wonder what your first impression of me would be were a sweaty-faced and heat red? Instead, you showed up to my left with your shock of hair. I hadn't turned around because I sort of wanted to see if you'd find me or if I had cat-fished. I still smile as I write this because it felt so much like "hello you." I kind of recognized you. We drank as we always usually do. Both of us are pretty shy, and it cracks me up how much more exuberant we get with liquid lubrication. There is absolutely zero signal that you have given to me that you're going to dump me as boring trash. You have been a pleasant surprise on that front - so far always. It astounds me. I keep waiting for you to realize that I am just that. Is it at all possible that you might like me back? That would not be something I could dare imagine except in my smallest part. (such a thing kind of makes me cry.) Our first date was a good one. I will remember it always. I got to see the Globe. You didn't want to be with me for breakfast the next day as I left town and you didn't really text me all that evening. I woke up at that death time morning and catastrophized like I've hardly ever done. You were so important to me, that I had to purge you so it wouldn't hurt anymore. I deleted all your texts and would have deleted you from the Bee but that would have alerted you that I gave a shit. And why? What did we say that made me fall in love with you practically instantly? I love to think about it. One of my favorite secret things to do is replay all my time with you. I love how you're not a suck up at all. You've never done any compliments to me except about my cooking and you've given me much much constructive criticism. When you said I dressed like a hipster, I wanted to un-wear all the cool t-shirts I had used to impress you. And the funny thing is, I don't always wear them - I just thought it matched you better. In Florida, it was funny to me that you didn't allow us both to wear printed t-shirts at the same time - except on that last day. "you think I don't like you? How about this: I'm thinking of asking you to go with me to Florida to go get something my mother left me. I'm nervous about asking you, but I also want you to come." "Wow, that will be a huge test. We'll either like each other more afterwards, or we'll be done." "I agree." I don't think it was really any specific thing that we talked about. For me, it was more that you talked like my friends talk. I recognized you. When I was divorced the first time, I thought I would have my pick of the litter and I thought people like you grew on trees. My second husband was obtained because my sister had said to me "the best way to get over a man is under a new one" - and I had been temporarily dumped by someone else who talked like you. It had been the first time I had encountered someone like y'all in eight years. I think we all know why I went with #2 - my cat had just died and she (so much guilt) drove me into his arms. I was prepared to go 'til death do us part with someone who kind of rolled his eyes when I would go into my monologues but it was fair play as I thought he was one of the most boring people I had ever spoken to. As we all know, it's called trauma bonding. I liked that he was different in every way from #1 and maybe - just maybe - if I did everything exactly different, I would have someone who would take care of me and let me into their family. I wonder why I have to say that all the time? it's probably because I'm still so ashamed to be fucking twice divorced after the tremendous sacrifice I made. I definitely need to get over it. The dude was a wanker. I'll remember what his wife #1 said to me any time I feel bad: "it only took you 8 years. It took me 26." That validation that his silence hid a cowardly douchebag. You are not a coward. The one thing I know to do differently in all of this is to never ever sell my body for cheap company again and to wait for the real if it takes 17 more years to find you. I thought you were so brave when you told the truth to that weird lady in the cult, and I was honored that you work-shopped the whole thing with me over Pina coladas. You're very fun to get tipsy with, and it's beautiful to me that doing so reveals that you're not this stoic strong man - you're an abandoned child like I am - trying to be big. We do it a lot, but some of my favorite times with you are sitting next to you at a bar and just letting it all flow. We're not great at silence yet, but I swear to you, it was so much easier on the return trip - I could just shut the fuck up. We're a lot alike although I don't often tell you that. I too care about single-use plastics and give a big shit about our world. Ah the Florida trip... I so wish I could remember what we said to each other on our last drunken night - the one before our last night. I remember waking up next to you piercing your pillow fort and saying "please forgive me for anything embarrassing I said last night." You replied "oh fuck. I don't even remember half of it." That was the night that you told me you thought I had shit taste in music. That was a new one for me. It hurt like fear, but I still respect your honesty. You do not kiss my ass. God I wish you would sometimes, but maybe later. The things you give me, I have to savor them because they are so rare. "I can't believe we've been on this date for five hours. We've shut this bar down. Do you want to go for a walk on campus?" I did. Again, you don't care, but I loved seeing the firefly. You were so comfortable to me even though I'm still so tongue-tied around you with the real. And having your birthday tattooed on my hand. That seems odd, but I won't be able to read too much into it. I've got to be cool as a cucumber. I've got to convince you that the only way I'll ever let you in is if it's entirely of your own free will. It's so easy for me to seduce. I wish I had made a better play list. There's got to be a better way I could describe how much you turn me on, but I'm glad I got it out somewhat. I can't wait to dance with you one day - if you are still here with me in five minutes. I'll be without you this weekend unless you pull it out of your arsenal. And I want that heart to grow fonder. And it's beautiful and terrifying that I have no control. The only future talk you've ever engaged in with me "maybe one day I'll take you to six flags." happy anniversary to my first year in this town of my birth. They tore my grandparents second home to the ground yesterday, but oh well. It broke my heart for a second or two, but I only remember going in it once and hearing about the big blood stain that someone had to clean up. Sometimes, I feel like the best thing I can do for anyone is to just die or shut up or disappear; however, it can't be that way. I'm a survivor and a scion.
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