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It's the only thing that matters to me right now.
I'm going to have to save myself and hurt you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm going to phrase it this way so maybe you'll be cooler with it, "I will never again have sex with you just because it's easy to get it out of the way to quell your desire - and I've had it in the past with you."
if I have sex with you again, it would be because I want it. I'll pay you up to $200 in compensation for the wine and the weed you might have brought me.
I can do this all day long. I was married to someone I didn't love, but still fucked. it felt like the marriage would be over if we went a week without sex.
whatever.
I had no idea.
I still have no idea.
In painting a card for my aunt, I used last year's calendar as a backdrop. I had written every visit Leon made. it hurt to see.
I cried.
I still love him. I can't help it.
I wish I loved you.
it would be so much easier wouldn't it? we could galavant and join things and fuck well. it would be great, but I don't.
I looked for my aunt's address and came across last year's diary.
fucking shit
reading that was brutal brutal brutal brutal.
I had so much hope. I was so cautious.
I recognized him at once.
I'm sorry.
it's not like I'll have anything to lord it up on you with. I'm not going to be tripping the light fantastic - enjoying everything. dating the world.
I'm just going to be
crying every day
without leading you on.
I"m sorry. I'm so very sad. and I tried a little bit. I really did.
and you're a great fuck.
but that part kind of terrifies me - because part of why I can come with you is that I'm not self conscious because I don't care.
it's a pattern you've triangulated.
and let's have a drink.
let's have some food.
let's watch some sci fi
and I'm sorry.
I wish I wasn't me.
I suck.
obviously, but I'm hungry.
I feel.
I exist.
I'm sorry.
I stopped mowing the grass today the second time I went out. It wasn't because I was tired but I was. It wasn't because it was so fucking hot. it was. It was because I couldn't keep killing the habitat. I couldn't hurt the lighting bugs. it was so dry. the grass ...
fuck. I'm insane aren't I?
I'll buy it. but like I said, I still exist.
I still want to love someone and have them love me back
like home.
I'm sorry. I hope I'll be brave enough to tell you and not
eat my own soul to please you.
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