Spongecrotch Cumpants--The Today Sponge Is Back!
filed: current affairs
I have waited for two days to write about the Today contraceptive sponge being re-approved by the FDA to be sold in the United States. The reason for my delay was not laziness, nor was it that I decided to clean my keyboard by removing each individual key and ultimately rendering the letter “Y” useless. Actually what cause the postponement of my public cry of joy was the realization that it was going to be impossible to not make a reference to “Seinfeld.” I thought about how Elaine's stockpile of sponges was now going to look outdated as Jerry's cordless phone. The sad realization that most of my partners were never “Spongeworthy” between the first broadcasting of that episode until now almost squelched my excitement. Hell, most of them were not worthy of even seeing my naked ass (just a few gems here and there).
Besides “Seinfeld,” my only other experience with the Today Sponge was not my own. One of my many roommates in college, lets call her Latiquah, swore by the sponge. That was until she had sex with her old high-school English teacher, a man that she had obsessed about for months. Apparently she was unable to remove said sponge, and spent an hour locked in his bathroom attempting to remove it. Her nervousness and the teacher's knocking on the door did not help her loosen her pelvic muscles enough for its removal. If I recall correctly, she was ultimately able to get the pesky thing out. Last time I saw her several years back, she was a bona fide lesbian with a rat-tail and a boyfriend who was in Canada getting a sex-change operation. I guess all worrying about birth control had gotten her.
Allendale Pharmaceuticals expects the Today sponge to be available in the US this upcoming summer. It was originally taken off the market due to contamination at the plant. As a pharmaceutical industry employee myself, I did a little reading and it appears that really the only problems one would have is if they are sensitive to Nonoxyl-9, a very common spermicide that is often in condoms and lube, while not uncommon, its not that big of a problem to keep it off the market.
In any case, this is a wonderful new option for women, such as myself ,who are unable to use any kind of hormonal contraceptive. It also will be a great back-up method with a condom. What I find most wonderful that it is a portable, inexpensive, safe birth-control method. A method which allows the woman to be in control. In clinical trials the efficacy was similar to the diaphragm and the female condom (I've never known anyone to use one of those. Anyone? Anyone?) Basically, it will work great, unless there is user error.
So if there are any Elaine's out there, perhaps living off their Y2K food supply, its ok to use up your stockpile. Fuck away sister, fuck away!