first of all, I just have to say a big "thanks" to everybody who just reached out with emails or comments or whatever to just say really supportive things to me yesterday. I really appreciate it. I feel a lot stronger today, and just to know that I matter (even in an eensy-little-way) is affirming. I wish you guys went to my college--fact: Katie and my Advisor are so busy and always working or gone or something, so I can't ambush them to talk, say, at lunchtime or when I have a 30 minute break...which I think is part of the problem at my university. Katie and my advisor are like, the most friendly and supportive people here to talk to, and I really trust them and can talk about anything with them, and I feel nervous talking to anybody else here because Marquette has worse than 6 degrees of separation, it has like, 2 degrees of separation. (Katie talked to me about how I should feel free to talk about all the painful stuff that has happened to me with my bosses at work, to explain *why* i deserve extra hours at work because I'm supporting myself, but my bosses are such gossip-mongers that the mere idea maketh me uncomfortable, although it's a good, honest idea and maybe someday I'll feel free to tell them, if they loosen up and don't "harsh my grill" so much).
Anyways, yesterday I got home from internship at 4:45 after a nightmare bus ride. It's awful, AWFUL weather here in Wisconsin. Be glad you are someplace else, I assure you, because we are getting tons of snow and slush and muck. So the bus was just INSANELY crowded, it was like riding a bus in Jakarta, Indonesia, only there weren't any chickens in cages and everyone was wearing bulky Columbia ski coat-parkas, and there were about 150 people crowded in a 60-person sized bus. Bad, bad, bad. So when I got home, B.f. gave me a big hug but he could instantly tell that I had been having a rough day because I started to sob really, really hard. Because there was this straw that broke the camel's back (me being the figurative camel): I was hoping that maybe, just just maybe, the cosmic forces would stop shafting me and give B.f. a chance at getting a job at this really nice co-op food store to work in. He had his first interview on monday, and it went really well, and they said they would call him back by thursday and he really, sincerely believed that they would. But there has been no phone call from them yet, and that's basically what drove me over the edge. It's like, I can stand it when things are hard for me, but if the world just keeps on being so hard on B.f. too, then what the hell is the point? So that was just a very depressing thing for me, I cried (sobbed is more accurate, you know when you cry from your diaphraghm, deep in your stomach, and you can't even breath 'cause you're crying so hard? yeah, that was how hard I was crying). And then B.f. made me mac & cheese and told me to eat something (i had some cookies, a little cup o' soup and gummy fishies, plus coffee for lunch but that had been a long time ago) and calmed me down, basically. He's a hero like that. And then I see his reebok boxing-sneakers on the rug, wet with snow, and he said that since the $%^#@ co-op didn't call, he had walked to these two far-away businesses in the snow to get applications.
I mean, seriously, is there some kind of blacklist why he can't get hired? I am so frustrated on his behalf, I am probably on the fast track to having apoplexy.
And then B.f. told me I should call Jill and talk to her about the creepy email my older sister sent me (see 2 posts previous) and we talked for about 30 minutes. Jill was just great. She may have had a cold, and Robin had just had major surgery (again, it makes me cry just thinking about it, she's so brave), but she was talking out all the crap and making me feel better. It was awesome, I think I cheered her up too. It's nice to have somebody joke around with you about the "wild parties" you have been "throwing", with the cardboard "car full of people". (the backseat was full of cardboard and groceries, which my myopic younger sister who never wears her glasses saw as a car full of people, I guess). And she basically also said that she doesn't know why the hell B.f. isn't getting hired anywhere, but she had a subtle scheme so that he could double-check by calling them and seeing if they were going to hire him, without seeming desperate. Very, very clever. I mean, I basically cried for 3/4 of the conversation but by the end I was laughing and smiling and it was great.
Then B.f. busted out the TV--yes! and the opiate of the masses contributed to my state of calm. Well, at least "The OC" and "EXTREME MAKEOVER" kinda did, until we saw this Peter Jenning's news special, "No Place to Hide." That show is INTENSELY scary and fascinating, it's like bits and pieces of dystopian sci-fi all put together, except it's REAL. Basically, everybody's watching you all the time and you have no privacy whatsoever and it's just the most intense big-brother type shit I have ever seen. It was really scaring me a lot, because I've probably read more dystopian sci-fi than a lot of people, and it was like seeing elements of SMART RATS mixed with THIS TIME OF DARKNESS mixed with THE ELECTRIC KID mixed with a really scary short story from This book. So yeah, incredibly creepy television.
And then I went to bed and neither me nor B.f. slept well at all because the apartment was so cold and when I watch scary stuff before i go to bed, I have a tendency to act like a monkey in that Harry Harlow experiment. So me: baby monkey. B.F.: cloth-covered wire armature comfort object for baby monkey. I end up grabbing him (partly cuz I'm scared, and partly cuz I'm freezing cold) and so he didn't sleep well. But the guy, sweetheart that he is, got up with me this morning at 6 AM and ate breakfast with me and walked me to the bus stop and got a newspaper so he could look at the employment ads. And we had a great time laughing on the way there because (sad thing) his shoes hurt from walking so much yesterday but (happy thing) the way he was walking in them, while making silly faces, was making me laugh so hard I couldn't even walk anymore, just gasp. It was brilliant. So hopefully things are getting better, and another big thanks to everybody.
(hey, maybe you'll even check out some of the cool books I listed above? :)