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post #72
bio: katie
bio: victoria


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the gonna break
Monday, February 21, 2005

› by victoria

(above quote from THE DEAD ZONE w/Christopher Walken, great movie)

Seriously, though, the "ice" of my barely-retained hope, emotional/mental/physical health, etc. is gonna break. I am so overwhelmed right now. I am merely writing because I have to vent someplace before I go on to studying Public Relations for a huge exam in it tomorrow, then Philosophy for a huge exam in it on Wednesday morning, then who knows what else, hell, Marquette can just throw everything at me all at the same time, I won't doubt that it will. My eyes are all kaleidascope-y because they want to cry, and I did cry last night but it didn't help because I feel guilty about crying, because I know that BF is depressed too, so my crying just brings us both down.

Just imagine trying to juggle massive amounts of academic stuff--like when I try to prioritize all the tasks I have to do in my head, I literally lose track of them. I think I'll work on my major P.R. presentation tomorrow; the question is, when do I work on my Shakespeare presentation for English 173? When do I start reading Orlando Furioso which I haven't even started because I was busy cramming in writing that paper for the same class on the AENEID?! What about my Graphics Design homework to work in photoshop, only I don't have a computer (or a real printer, we have a broken one that needs to be assembled and have a printer cartridge, but that costs $, so it isn't happening) at home so if I want to do any homework I have to commute 30 minutes each way in on the nasty bus?
Add on to this my job (where i feel intensely guilty, because I wish I could work there *more* and earn more money) and my unpaid internship co-ordinating stuff for other people when it seems I can't co-ordinate my own life, and all the stuff worrying about BF's car registration and how on earth are we going to pay the bills and dear god especially the rent at the end of February, the shortest goddamn month out of the whole damn year.

I am not balanced. I am most definitely trying to hold back a massive deluge of crying and breaking down until after these exams are over.

Sorry everyone, this is a real downer of an Art Colony. The only thing can effectively convey the overall depressed resignation state going down here is BF saying

"We'll be in the hole [in debt] forever, won't we."

Now that is sad.

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