12.07.03 It's not that I am not tired. Just unsatisfied.
Had a nice night out with the girls. Jen W. was in from Montreal. Good dinner. Good talks. Good times. The dude is asleep. He has the flu and is feverish. Poor guy.
Feeling kinda lost these days. Wandering through the days aimlessly, mostly via the web. Some days are better then others. There has been a lot of stressful ones though, mostly self-induced. I tend to take on too much and then become paralyzed with the inevitable fear and an unwillingness to leap into the unknown. Feeling like a big fraidy cat. Frustrated too. I hear my own negativity and want to stamp it out. Angry too, I suppose. I wish I knew what I wanted. That would make things a lot easier.
What I selfishly want is to be pampered. I wish I could somehow wake up independently wealthy and not have to worry about the bills to support the much desired lifestyle. I am no better then the Jessica Simpson's and Paris Hilton's of the world (though not as blond or emaciated and freakish looking.) I would love to have enough money to not have to fold my own laundry or go to work every day and sit in my dark little office feeling terribly uncreative. I am not sure that I would do much at all. Maybe just sit around sloth like eating cocoa pebbles and wearing oversized slippers. I like to think that I would figure it out though. After all, I generally have strong opinions as to what I don't want.. so logically.
"Harumph," I say, quoting Veronica Lodge's dad of course. "Harumph, indeed."
Wondering why I never did quit and go back to school? I guess I was having fun for awhile. It also wasn't really encouraged. My mom keeps talking about how my brother should continue his education. It drives me crazy because I was the scholastic superstar nerd, little effort, great results. I guess she thinks it's more important that I bear her grandchildren. What about what I want??? I always loved school. I managed to weave my way through most crowds, enjoyed contributing to the occasional class dialogue.. I used to take on too much, a gazillion extra curricular activities, full course load and a part time job. I had a LOT more energy back then. I was also perpetually single and lived at home but slept over at my gay bf's all the time. sigh. I know it's not too late to go back to school, but can I handle it? It won't be the same. I am also kinda limited in terms of choice now that I am married. There is the dude's life/career to consider too. I can't just move away for a few years. I wouldn't want to go it alone.
Not sure where I am going with this.. but I am suddenly feeling sleepy. My contacts are getting sticky and I think I need to go remove them.
I am sure I will figure it all out in the morning..