Sunday, October 31, 2004
And as for the cat, yeah, gross
note: for clarity's sake, this was originally posted over at http://second-chapter.net, which is my real-o site. the unedited entry can be found a-here.
So how was your Fourth of July?
Well my cat gave birth while the police were over.
Why were the police over? What, you don't call them when your pussy is bleeding?
No, I joke. ha ha. It's so funny.
I have, no, had, in the past tense, a roommate. The Cunt Roommate, as she will henceforth be known (I have stripped her of her friendly pat-on-the-shoulder nominer), who I viced out in August, for, amongst other reasons, failing to pay the rent on the first of the month from January to August. So, for the Fourth, her contribution to patriotism was once again failing to pay the rent on time. Despite being warned by the landlord that if she didn't, she'd be out. So in retaliation against me, since it was apparently my fault that she spends all of her money on alcohol instead of paying her bills, she and/or her boyfriend (it still isn't entirely known) took it upon themselves to vandalize my property the Friday night before in various ways throughout the apartment, and then disappear for the weekend.
I was livid to a state of constipation. And that's putting it nicely.
So she came home at 3 am-ish on Saturday, drunker than fuck if fuck could be drunk, and we apparently had differing opinions over whether it was the best time to discuss her disgusting financial situation and subsequent illegal activity. So we got into a fight, she yelled like the white trash bitch she is (despite all her Upstate New York WASP-esqua), and proceeded to call the police.
Well once they got there, she claimed I beat her up. Let's throw aside for a moment the fact that she was bruise-less ("Oh, I heal quickly," was what she said when the police officer asked about them, or their lack.), and point out that she's 5'11 and I'm 5'8. And probably thirty pounds lighter than her. And that the entire fight took place in front of my other roommate Jake and another friend of mine, and both of them also failed to be aware of me striking her. As it were, she shoved me several times, so if I had decided to beat the shit out of her it would've been self defense.
The police, thankfully, also saw that she was irate and drunk whereas I was calm and polite despite having cat placenta all over me. She went off for several minutes, bitching and screaming at the cops, while I and my roommate explained what'd happened. It was a night.
In the middle of all of this, (De)Mona the Cat was squirting out chillins. The first one died unfortunately which perturbed me extremely since it died right in front of the police sergeant, and being as it was the first kitten I worried as to the well-being of the remaining ones. I guess she was freaked out with all the people and screaming because she didn't give birth to another one for nearly three hours later, but that one thankfully was alive and crying. The damn cat has about as much motherly instinct as me, because just as soon as it was out she was running around the house cleaning herself up and hissing at it.
I had to cut two of the cats out of their sacks myself because she wouldn't touch them at all and they were in danger of not breathing. I also had to cut them from the umbillical cords and clean that mess up because she also wouldn't have anything to do with it. All in all she gave birth to three live kittens. The third was the only one she took care of herself, but then she turned on her side, let them nurse, and promptly fell asleep.
The entire episode lasted from 11 PM to 7 AM.
My advice to kitten-owners-to-be: if you have a crazy female roommate who PMS's about as often as she takes a breath, wait until after she's sober to deliver your pet's babies.