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*As in "Welcome to" and where "Gator Country"
means "Los Angeles"
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Gator Country: fear and loathing in los angeles
i got too drunk on vacation. i only realized fully that i was in mexico the last day. the day i had to pack and leave. forget all those other days, speaking spanish, seeing this and that. only the day i left did i realize, hung over as hell, heart hurting, head pounding, body raw and stinking, that i was in hot, yellow, dusty mexico, hours from a hospital, a full day and thousands of miles from home. that's what being hung over does to you, does to me. drags pretty reality down to the dirty floor like a cheap mattress. flips the switch and makes you see everything by the flourescent light bulb swinging.
i spent all day travelling fighting my own body, too stubborn to puke. my sister was flattened by the tequila we drank the night before. i should have been. except for one brief moment standing, staring down a toilet during a silent three minutes of fuckyouness when i thought i was going to break. no air conditioning. sweat. you'd think that was a good thing, to sweat all the toxins out. but you could have licked my shoulder and gotten drunk, i had that much tequila coming out my pores. jesus christ. no more shots.
i want to say more about how it felt to come home. strangely, my first thought was that i could now drink the tap water, which i desperately needed. water. everywhere. as much as i want. water water water.
but then no second thoughts. ever have so much to do, so much on your mind, that you just sit down in the middle of the room and do nothing, thinking of it all? ever had your heart pound so hard it puts a hole in the wall (actually, that was my fist). i'm not the type of girl who punches holes in walls. only hearts, mine included. say what you want, i don't spare myself from being judged. case in point:
two days ago, i wrote down what i really wanted out of life. that night, i celebrated that list, and living, and dying, and loving, and being afraid, and of falling down and getting up. but i have been paying for it ever since.
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