tomorrow i go home tomorrow i return to LA and i want you to know that i miss it and i miss feeling connected. minneapolis has been fun, but there is only so much camp snoopy one can take.
i'll be totally honest with you, reader, whoever you are. you may have been reading this and that, whatever tripe i've posted and wondered, it doesn't seem like the heart-full stuff i've read from her over the past couple of months, and that's true. to give back and be real, i've been dealing with trying to "move on" and maybe i've tried too hard at times.
sometimes, it's easy to fall back into my old habits: fooling around with this man or that, surfing, travelling for work without having to think. i've had this luxury lately. but i'm like you. sometimes after Loss, i lie in bed, even in the nicest hotel in any city, USA, looking up at the ceiling after even a successful day wondering about my purpose for tomorrow beyond "working". working makes me feel helpful, but it doesn't make me whole. i think about blaine and what went so wrong. and how it died and can't be saved. and his silence and my anger. i also think about alec and his talent and how he's moved beyond me. i want people to be happy. like i am usually.
and then i wonder, what's next? who's next? whether a certain person can be *that* person. i know what i like: his leg over my waist when i sleep, how he looked at me, morning sex, late night phone calls, honesty, slow deep kisses, being strong in the face of being scared. it has nothing to do with where you are or were in life, who your parents are, what happened to you or how you've carried that forward or left that behind. my only concern is who are you now.
anyone who knows me knows this. and thank you solstice, i've found myself again, and you were right and thanks for keeping the faith.