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*As in "Welcome to" and where "Gator Country"
means "Los Angeles"
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Gator Country: The Sad Ballad of TK-421 -- This One's For Sunshine Jen
In all of God's sprawling galaxy, on both sides o' the sun,
'twas never one so hapless as TK-421.
Never a favorite of Palpatine nor Tarkin nor Vader,
He was raised on Tatooine by a band of Tusken Raiders.
He'd gaze upon those suns, his heart full o' fire,
This wanderlust took him to the ranks of the Empire.
"A Stormtrooper I'll be," he mused with delight,
"I'll take on the Rebels and fight the good fight."
He enlisted at once, and donned the Trooper attire,
His free time spent in the Stormtrooper Choir.
His first battle was nothing short of a disaster,
He couldn't see through his mask or even fire a blaster.
"I can't breathe in this thing!" he cried in frustration,
"It fills me with discomfort and intolerable aggravation!"
Vader overheard him, and disciplined with care,
He spent the rest of that night gasping for air.
"Why oh why did I leave the comforts of Tattooine,
Those nights of idle barbecues on the idle mezzanine?"
He swore to do better, make his Tusken mama proud,
"I will prevail!" he screamed, screamed it good and loud.
His dream assignment came, he knew he would go far,
He was entrusted as a guard on the fancy new Death Star.
"This is delight!" he cried, "Soon they will see,"
"I will be the best Stormtrooper, they will all look up to me."
The latter claim was absurd, he was reminded by Captain Hooper:
TK-421 was a little short for a Stormtrooper.
Nevertheless, he strived, strived hard for perfection,
Taking seriously his rounds past the Tractor Beam connection.
His last assignment came direct from Grand Moff Tarkin,
He was ordered to guard the captured Millennium Falcon.
All was going well, they sent a scanning crew aboard,
TK-421 knew that with this capture the Empire had scored.
He beamed with pride, standing guard with no fear,
Until a voice from within called, "Can you give us a hand up here?"
He paused for only a moment, then went inside the ship,
He marveled at its interior, so retro and hip.
These were his last thoughts: "Soon they will see I'm the best,"
Then Han Solo appeared and shot him in the chest.
The most tragic of all, it would only be as a ghost,
That he would hear the classic line, "Why aren't you at your post?"
(Lyrics and music by Conrad Petch, Contributing Editor)
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