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Klutch.xls: "There's Always More Guests than Snacks."
(thanks to char char binx for inspiration)
Let's say you're at a party, and it is at my house. You're drinking tequila, milk and honeys on the rocks with a dash of cumin for a kick. Someone you never met just barfed on the cat and we're all dancing to some hot joint by Whodini. Jimmy stops for a second and looks you squarely in the eye, moisture forming on his top lip:
Jimmy: Hey, can you pass me the peanuts?
You: What peanuts?
Jimmy: What peanuts? The Peanuts! Pass me the Fucking Peanuts!
You: I don't see any peanuts.
Jimmy: They're in the bowl by your left hand. Turn around. Look. Give me the bowl. Give me the freaking peanuts!
You: Hey James, calm down a second. This bowl appears to be empty.
Jimmy: Empty?!?!? WHAT DO YOU FRIGGING MEAN EMPTY?!?!?!? Where's the PEANUTS???
(rushing in from the kitchen, tearing out her hair in clumps)
Holly: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! IT'S TWO O'FUCKING CLOCK IN THE MORNING AND WE'RE OUT OF PEANUTS!!!!
Casper: meow?
Hold on kids. Thanks to Walgreens, there is noooooo need for panic.
That's right. One of us can just run down to the store and pick up some
"Walgreens Finest Quality Dry Roasted Peanuts"
Chuck's on probation, so we should probably send someone who's stoned enough that they forgot they were too drunk to drive. Take Sheila's car and pick me up some Hostess Snowballs while you're at it!
While on occasion I've nabbed my penicillin and other medications at Walgreens, it has never occurred to me to "visit [their] complete food center." I can just see Mr. John James William Jefferson III, CEO of Walgreens in a room of advisors, each of which has a plan on how to make generic drugs available and affordable to uninsured single mothers, and John furrows his brow.
"Peanuts. If we want to compete in this market, we need peanuts! Stick our brand name on it and give it a funny slogan. You're all fired. Somebody kill me an Iraqi!"
No thank you. If I want peanuts, I'm just going to drive myself down to the peanut store like my parents and their parents before them. If it was good enough for Jimmy Carter, then it's good enough for me, and he won a Nobel Prize. Stupid.
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