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Klutch.xls: OH MY GOD!!!
One day you're gonna wake up and realize that the thing that has been missing from your life is not the fact that you were never chosen for the "Real World" (like they would have picked you just because you pulled some tears out of your ass while talking about your mother's prostituting herself, and how you are afraid that you might be slipping down that same slippery slope.) Nor will that void be filled by a chance encounter in the supply closet with that saucy new editor in marketing. What you are missing is god.
"God?" you ask. "You mean that old white haired vengeful prick that took grandpa away?"
Sure, you probably thought you were a Buddhist for a year or two after you took that comparative religion class to fill your philosophy requirement. But I'm talking GOD! The creator. Who are you getting on your knees for? Who do you think is going to help you when your parachute just don't open?
People turn to the Koran, the Bible, the Tao of Pooh, Dianetics, the Tommyknockers. To whom will you turn? Who is your personal king of kingns [sic]?
Well, hell. Since you asked. Sure. I'd love to help.
The Catholic Church vs. Men's Warehouse
1. Leadership
The Catholic Church is run by a cute old Pollak that kind of reminds me of my great grandfather. Men's Warehouse is owned and managed by a guy who has been known to spark a jibber in front of one of his stores and subsequently lock his keys in his car. I'm going with Men's Warehouse on this one.
2. Passing the Dish
A decent suit at Men's Warehouse will run you approximately $250.00 and will last you at least three years (considering how often you get out.) That's just under $85 a year. The Catholic Church suggests a tithe of 10% of your yearly income. Let's say that your job at Taco Bell pays $7/hr . . . that's about $12,750 per year . . . at 10% . . . YIKES! $1,275 dollars a year. Looks like you're gonna have to put off paying for Jenny's abortion at least until late in the second trimester.
Warehouse wins again.
3. C.R.E.A.M.
I would estimate that Men's Warehouse is taking in about $36M per year in profits. The Catholic Church has the largest endowment in the entire world, and promises everlasting life.
A well endowed Catholic Church wins the third round.
4. Giving Back
In addition to everlasting life, this past year the Catholic Church has given millions of dollars back to the community in the form of out of court settlements (not to mention free lube and skins.) George Zimmer, president and CEO of Men's Warehouse, was part of a group that gave $6M to help pass marijuana legalization laws in Colorado and Nevada.
Point:Warehouse
5. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours!"
Gosh, for a measly $1,275 per year, my family and I can get all the hand jobs we want. And with those robes, clean up is a cinch! I'll never forget the time Father Kargul reached in the wrong pocket to offer me "communion." At least when your junk gets grabbed at the Men's Warehouse you're walking away with a blazer (and I'm not talking suit jackets.)
"What does this all mean?!?!?!?" you ask.
Well, to be frank, I have no f'ing idea.
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