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Dear Mr. and Mrs. Voterpants,

"You're throwing your vote away!"

That's what they tell me. They say:

"Klutch, you are throwing your vote away."

And I respond:

no comma i am not throwing my vote away comma i am throwing my pants away period

but in this day and age pants and votes are synonymous to most and for crying out loud we are living in a society where a bird in the hand is worth about a buck-fifty in the bush and i got so much to do this week that i don't even know if i'll be able to fit in a proper lunch with some friends!

But let's get serious for one goddamned second and take a look at the truth. No more funny-funny-laugh-laugh stuff here. I am not throwing my vote away.

The Government is throwing my vote away.

It's called voter fraud.

Now, the problem is that voter fraud is quickly becomming one of those election cliche's like "with us or against us," "a thousand points of light," or the "social security lock box." But it's real and it's profoundly disturbing. Even the "liberal media" is not picking up on this the way they should. These are federal crimes being committed and if I am to believe the folks on that This American Life program it starts at the highest levels in the chain of command (COC.)

Here is what I am told is going on in swing states. Look 'em up, you got googles don't cha?

* Letters are being sent to African American communities telling them that if they vote in more than one election in any given calendar year they will go to prison for 10 years and have their children taken away.

* Churchgoers in the midwest are being told that if Kerry is elected he will outlaw the bible.

* Voters in African American communities are being told that due to record registration, voting will take place over two days: republicans to vote on Tuesday, Democrats on Wednesday.

Now we've all heard about the guy who registered voters in exchange for crack cocaine, and that's messed up. But tell me this: he may have registered Mary Poppins, but is Mary Poppins gonna vote? Silly, criminal and anoying, but nothing compared to the rampant fraud being committed by the republican party.

And here's the deal . . . the vote on Tuesday still stands wether or not these activities are deemed illegal on Wednesday and criminal charges are filed on Thursday. There's absolutely nothing we can do about any of this.

Except get pissed off.

And throw our votes away.


P.S. If you are one of those people who are going to vote for Bush because he lives on a farm in Texas and against Kerry because he lives in a mansion on Nantucket, please do us all a favor and don't vote.

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