As if Ornithopter were a Rankin Bass production minus the weird claymation, I bring you a seasonally appropriate repeat of last year's holday themed entry. Gather 'round the yule computer, won't you, as we revisit my "10 Most Hated Christmas Songs."
‘Tis the frickin' season for crappy "rock ‘n roll" Christmas songs. This usually begins around mid-November, leaking out of every chain store, restaurant, pit of despair imaginable, management types having forced the poor employees to play it in order to get people to spend, spend, SPEND! Frankly, it makes me want to run as far away as possible, but then again, I don't shop at the Disney Store regularly (or ever,) either, so I may not be a good marketing subject. My inability to escape the worst of the worst of Christmas music this week has inspired me to share my pain with all of you folks.
10. "Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You" - Billy Squier
Is it, really, Billy? So, if your...Uh, wife? Husband? Anyway, if someone says "I love you" in say, August, are you going to shush them? "Now is not the time for this! Wait until Christmas...jeez...you're so embarrassing. Now please watch me dance. What do you think of this whole flailing thing I've got going? It's hot, right?"
9. "Christmas Wrapping" - The Waitresses
This one always gets me because I actually don't mind it at first. Instead of immediately changing the radio station, I might actually let this one go and the first listen is not so bad. It's the second and the third and the 47th and the umpteenth times that get a bit annoying. Why can't she just get it together and go out with the guy? And if he keeps blowing you off like that, maybe it's just not meant to be, you know? Take a hint. But no, you've got to corner the poor guy at the grocery store while he's just trying to buy cranberries and is caught off guard, so has no way of getting out of going out with you. Well done!
8. "Winter Wonderland" - Darlene Love
I can't stand the way all of the W's enhance her shrill delivery on this one. But I suppose she had no choice in how she sang since Phil Spector was probably poking a gun in her ribs at the time.
7. Run Rudolph Run - Chuck Berry
More of a warning than an actual song. Run, Rudolph, or Chuck Berry will pee on your face and then refuse to kiss you because you smell like piss. And don't even ask what he's having for breakfast. Just run!
6. "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" - U2
Bono yelps away like a wounded moose who's pushing for a Nobel Peace Prize nomination in an attempt to sound soulful on this remake of another crapfest originally from the Phil Spector Christmas Album. She's not coming home until you stop singing, Ghandi.
5. "Jingle Bell Rock" - Bobby Helms
Shut up, Bobby Helms. Go dance and prance all over someone else's square. Jingle bell time is a swell time to deafen yourself with knitting needles. Oh, the glorious silence!
4. "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree" - Brenda Lee
Maybe I don't get this song because I'm not autistic. This is the only possible reason I can think of for all of this rockin'. Uh oh...Farted...
3. "Do They Know It's Christmas Time" - Band Aid
You know, St. Bob, the reason they don't know it's Christmas Time at all is because they're African. At best they celebrate Kwanza. Many Africans are actually Animists. Christmas rarely enters into the thinking of the average African, starving or not. The video is good for playing Spot The Has-Been, though.
2. "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" - Bruce Springsteen
Oh lord, do I hate this song. As the first bars of the piano/jingle bell thing hits my ear holes, my hand instinctively flies to the scan button on the radio. Maybe it's just from having to hear this crap over and over again in high school. My skin crawls just thinking about Bruce howling "Saaaaaaaantaclausiscoming to town. Saaaaaaaaantaclausiscomingtotown." Plus, nobody needs saxophone on any song, much less a Christmas song.
1. "(Simply Having) A Wonderful Christmastime" - Paul McCartney
I'm not sure that I can express in words how awful this song is. From the inane lyrics to the incredibly annoying synthesizer lines, there is just nothing good about this song. On it's release it was an obvious sign of the precipitous decline of Macca's talent, a precursor to "Say, Say, Say," (which, frankly sounds like fucking Radiohead compared to the above,) if you will. And yet, it manages to get into my head and stay there for days on end, pushing out any and all other thoughts until I feel like some robot who's only objective is to KILL PAUL MCCARTNEY.