I was grocery shopping yesterday when I looked up from the produce and saw all these humourless tight expressions on people's faces as they waddled around in their puffy coats.
Ah, the sad parka days of winter.
And while the varieties of consumption in this holiday season will keep us distracted for a while, there is no denying that it is damn difficult to feel sexy this time of year. We need hobbies, activities, and events - something that will make us feel a bit better about ourselves (esp in contrast to the other sad souls out there).
With that in mind, I have decided to share some tips from me, a Canadian you know and love. I call this list: "Surviving a Canadian Winter, Pony Style".
1. Plan a trip somewhere warm. Buy pamphlets and bathing suits. But don't actually buy a plane ticket. See, by merely pretending you are going, you will be able to fool yourself and co-workers and cheer the hell up! Gather around the water cooler and talk about hitting the white-sand beach. Then spend all your vacation money on the horse races and scratch and wins, cuz who wants to give their money to foreigners? We're in a state of war, people!
2. Get someone really drunk at the office xmas party and encourage them to speak their mind to someone they dislike. This will give you and your co-workers a lot to talk about in the cold, dull months to come.
3. Experiment with an eating disorder: Ever wanted to dally with morbid obesity or anorexia nervosa? With all those bulky clothes, you can hide your eating disorder for MONTHS (and if you follow this list to the letter, you can even check into a special clinic/fat camp by April, with all that "vacation" time).
4. Stage an intervention. Have a friend who drinks too much, can't keep a secret, is intolerably self-destructive,or is in a bad relationship? Invite that person and to your house and get them stoned, then have all their friends arrrive a few minutes later to really launch into them. While this might spur a psychotic episode in your friend, it has the added benefit of taking the heat off you for a while.
5. Become obsessive: Chose something obscure like the byzantine era, Canadian politics, neuropsychology, or a Victoria's Secret model and learn everything there is to know about that topic. Forget to shower. Winter is an excellent time to focus one one thing to the exclusion of all others. In the end, you might not have friends, but you will be a newly-minted "expert".