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poop beetle: School supplies
8.2003
I went shopping for school supplies, without the list.
Without, in fact, having seen the list.
I shopped from memories of my own Kindergarten experience . . . and in a panic.
I bought $40 dollars worth of crayons (18 pack, 24 and 36). I bought colored markers and colored pencils, a plastic ruler, several varieties of writing paper (thin line, thick line, spiral bound/plastic bound), several colored folders, paste and glue, fat pink erasers and a couple of different sized pencil boxes.
The list had been sent to my mom's house. She'd handed it to me with a pile of mail I'd never got around to looking through.
Later she warned me, you better get that stuff now, before the stores run out of everything.
"You are so right", I told her. And she was. She's unsettling right about most everything. But I also know from experience.
One winter, I didn't look for children's mittens until after the first snow and they were NO-WHERE to be found. (this was Boston. In BOSTON they're going to run out of children's mittens?)
Eventually K-mart must have cleaned out its storeroom, because I finally found one lonely pair on the discount rack. (bright purple, elbow length, made of some kind of weird Muppet material).
In the meantime, Awais was forced to wear double layers of socks on his hands to play in the snow. (I framed the picture so the soggy socks wouldn't show in the snapshot of baby's first snowman).
I find I am still lying to my mom. They're not the same lies, not the inevitable stuff related to questions like:
Where are you going? What will you be doing? When will you be back?
(the movies, always. That'd allow for 1/2 hour to the mall, 1/2 hour back- two hours for the film and maybe an extra hour if we claimed to go out for ice cream later.)
Something like 4 hours of freedom to swig (or smoke) some buds, listen to a little Z.Z. Top, squirt some Visine and chew some mints, before curfew.
Current lies are in response to things like "did you get that form in?" (of course!)
"it's supposed to rain this weekend, did you get the lawn mowed?" (absolutely- looks great) are you going to get school supplies today? (yep, no problem)- except I couldn't find the list and when I called the school, the person in charge of school supply lists was out for the week. (thus, the shopping blind- buying of every conceivable thing that might be required, that other moms might buy up in bulk- but keeping my receipt for returns- in an effort to make good the lie I'd told).
These lies are not meant to mislead her. They are meant to make her feel better- less anxious (and myself less guilty). These are variations on lies I told when I lived several hundred miles away. "Everything's Fine!"
Which was not really a lie, because everything wasn't always not fine- and when it was there was always a chance that could be remedied.
The truth is I WILL get that form in (those million/billion unending forms- duplicate, triplicate documentation re: every conceivable aspect of my life- my children's lives). I will call blah, blah, blah about yadda, yadda- will check in to this that and the other, will check the oil in my car, will get the single white sock, for sock puppets, the one seasonally appropriate vegetable and/or fruit for study of the seasons, will get the trash to the curb, will buy those school supplies.
I will do those things and much, much more- OH yes I will. In fact, I did, for years-from several states away, without prompting, but also without witnesses to the sometimes rushed, disorganized, half-assed ways these things were accomplished.
These lies ("yes, of course it's done- all taken care of") are also meant to break up the monotony of what my inevitable, but truthful response would be: "not yet, but I will".
Although it seems in these moments we just end up trading emotions- she feels guilty for "harping"- but it's not really harping, it's "reminding"- but she feels guilty, because she doesn't want to be a nag, but can't quite help herself. (she'll make a joke sometimes, "what would you do if I weren't here to run your life? Ha. Ha. Ha. I laugh with her and wonder a little myself.)
And of course, with my current responses, I trade guilt for anxiety.
The truthful "not yet, but I will"- has a suggestion of denial (if I were going to do it, why hasn't it happened already?)- a suggestion, a hint- that it won't really happen, it'll slip through thus becoming an unintentional lie.
And the "yes, all taken care of"- allows no margin for error- for the vast variety of incidental screw-ups and misinformation that's always lurking. (not always a result of me.)
Hear that?
Almost sounded like I said "not my fault". That phrase is the absolute anti-thesis to being a responsible adult. I live in constant fear of allowing circumstances to be driven to that point. The secret is to make sure nothing- absolutely nothing is driven towards a situation where those words could be used.
Cause if you're on top of stuff, than nothing can be taken out of your control- everything can be anticipated and trouble avoided- everything made right.
This is what my mom wants for me and this is what I want for myself (and her).
And really, how damn hard can that be?
I finally got a hold of that list.
The sponge-bob square pants book bag, satisfied the requirements of (1) small book bag- no wheels.
I had succeeded in buying not one other thing on the list.
1 box of Ziploc bags (any size), 1 box of Kleenex, 1 roll of paper towels, 1 bottle of Dial anti-bacterial hand soap (12 oz. Orange) . . .. etc.
Apparently "school supplies" means exactly what it says- supplies for the school/classroom.
Not a single writing utensil was required.
I rushed back to the store and found everything except the 5oz. Paper cups.
They had 3-oz/6-oz./9-oz. Etc.
As of this writing, 5 oz. Dixie Cups are nowhere to be found.
