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post #140
bio: anne
perma-link
11/26/2005
11:41

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Hello Happy Robot from 2010
Kansas City '75
Carolina Beach '07
I don't know how you scream like this without hurting yourself
I and J and tagalong K all on their way up the coconut tree.
Car ride






What does and does not come back to bite one in the ass
What I have learned in my 36 years on earth is there are things that defy definitive explanation.

There is the right thing for one situation that becomes the worst fucking thing ever in some other, similar, almost exactly the same, and yet drastically different world.

I've learned that lying has its place.
I've learned random acts of kindness and random acts of mean-ness can both work to one's advantage. They can both work to seemingly anonymous other's advantage, as well.

I've learned there's this thing where one allows another to suffuse a situation. Another is there in everything they say and everything they don't say and there's a strength in letting that happen- responding, allowing another- it can often enough to seem to be the thing to do always-to always Be Good; except for those times it is bad.

Sometimes it's not bad to allow the person most vulnerable in a particular situation to be overwhelmed by some stronger, louder, broadcasting type-personality.

(And BTW) I've come to believe this because I've seen the numbers.

And then sometimes (again- often enough) its good (number wise) to back the fuck up.

When and where and how to do this seems excruciatingly random.

Hanging in the middle, ready to do either, is a gift very few of us possess- which is why we (the communal "we"- whether you know it or not) need others (annoying, ridiculous, too close to home and too far out there to seemingly even deserve the title of "people") type people.

I say this as a person who, if truth be known, generally hates people. I hate people. I hate all of you (you make me feel guilty and "less then" as well as superior and desperate to explain myself or Make You Believe. Sometimes I want to save you; maybe I want you to get a freaking clue? - Except, I also love you for how funny and gracious and talented you are- your ability to endure- also, how stupid and happy/curious/ above it all/sad/broken/aware you can be.

Maybe you are simply pretty or full of potential or young or old or overwhelmed. You say things that make me happy you have a voice to say them with.
Sometimes, often enough I love you in ways that make me want to cry.

BUT- I kind of hate you too. And I'm sorry about that- nothing personal, you know?

I feel better when I can get beyond, above myself and simply care about you. It (you) make me feel worthy and ok and able to forgive myself and able to deal with various disappointments- capable of breathing, glad to be alive and stealing/grabbing good stuff (deservedly or not) when I'm hooked into how wonderful you are.

That is all.








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